MAX SCHAAF
A Top 5 with the leader of the NorCal Barneys, Mr. Max Schaaf, or I gotta leave in five minutes so this intro sucks. Sorry Max.
Top 5 NorCal barneys
1. Me
2. Sash
3. Huckleberry Fanbelt
4. Sperm Donor
5. Tony Lover-D
Top 5 movie quotes
1. "Ain't nobody callin' the fuzz in this neighborhood cause they know better." —The Outsiders
2. "Mongo only pawn in game of life." —Blazing Saddles
3. "Don't call us on a hummer." —Hell's Angels 69
4. "Fuck it man, lets go bowling." —Big Lebowski, the whole movie is one perfect quote
5. "Fuck you Pac Man" —Colors
Top 5 things about Jason Jessee
1. F.S. ollie
2. Calling gay men "weiner eaters"
3. The cars and motorcycles
4. His daughter Scout and her name
5. INSPERADO
Top 5 things about Oakland
1. Hell's Angels
2. Black Panthers
3. The Oakland fuckin A's
4. The whole lingo is insane
5. Gas, brake, dip, then chirp
Top 5 Oakland residents
1. Ramona Downey aka Mom
2. Jasin Phares
3. Cisco Valderrama
4. Boardertown Josh
5. Ben Sanchez
Top 5 things to give anxiety on vert ramp
1. Dave Duncan walks up to you and says, "Schaaf good to see you up
here with the BIG DOGS." I try to confidently let out a "ROOF ROOF,"
but all that comes out is a "Meow."
2. Realizing I'm not wearing the little cheerleader socks
3. "Next in from Oakland CA skating for Real, PORNSTAR, and Vans"
4. On the deck kickflip land primo and actually use the kneepads to save yourself
5. Unzip the pad bag find one helmet, one kneepad, and three elbow pads
Top 5 people
1. Steve McQueen
2. Sonny Barger
3. Paul Newman
4. David Cross
5. Ronald McDonald
Top 5 people who used to skate your ramp
1. Curtis Hsaing
2. Rubin Orkin
3. Scott Johnston
4. Frazier
5. Bob
Top 5 peolple you wished skate your ramp
1. The jock that round kicked me in the stomach in high school
2. Shogo Kubo
3. Charlie Murphy
4. Lemmy from Motorhead
5. Rita Hayworth
Top 5 daily rituals
1. Awake, crack the window. The cocktail of me, the old lady,
and the dog fill the room with the odor of salami.
2. Watch people that are watching me not trying to watch my dog take a shit
3. Skate to tea, English breakfast
4. Be way to critical of everyone and everything around me
5. I'm a Viking when I sleep
Top 5 Japanese foods
1. Rice plugs
2. Pocky Sticks
3. Maguro
4. Can you eat the Ashai beer?
5. A bed full of granola, thanks Rick
Top 5 things in MUSRE (man purse)
1. Tea tree toothpicks
2. LE POD
3. Astro glide
4. Diarrhea (I googled that spelling)
5. A man purse complex
Top 5 stickers not to have on your helmet
1. Nose bonk if you're horny
2. Club Med
3. Campbell's Soup
4. Bagel Bites
5. See: Pune and Ratch's helmets they're awesome!
Top 5 things about Jasin Phares
1. "Story time" on the road is the best
2. Backside smith
3. He will try to choke out most men
4. Tried to peel out on his motorcycle leaving the bar, lost control, tipped over, spun a 360 laying on the ground never letting go of the bike, stood it back up still running, and split
5. We once posed as Nascar mechanics in Tampa at the hotel bar. The whole bar loved us. On the spot he came up with the name "Bruce Juice." He said he gassed up the cars, they all looked at me I said I was "Larry Lug Nuts" I can take those tires on and off faster than anyone on the circuit! Later a Nam vet got jealous of all the attention we were getting and tried to fight Jasin. Jasin ripped off his shirt and stared this old man down. The guy gave Jasin a hug and bought him a beer. Needless to say we were drunk as hell.
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