ENTRY #2242
5/17/13

THE SONG: Victory, Puff Daddy and The Family
THE PLACE: your world
THE WORD: set that bar lower

Rickk has surpassed Mikey’s remarkable ability to look at a situation from 83 different disaster angles.

I hope this means he’s going to move back to the UK.

There are no “strange new worlds” out there, NASA. Cut the shit. You guys are floating around in space singing Bowie covers. In the words of my brother Kevin, “you want to stop fuckin’ around out there”.

Searcy, are you at Disneyland? That’s a good habit.

ENTRY #2241
5/10/13

THE SONG: Delusional, Quicksand
THE PLACE: your mind
THE WORD: get a job

I think sometimes, it’s safe to judge a book by it’s cover. And sometimes it’s OK to judge the two books related to the main fucking weird book.

You might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.

NASA, you’re blowing it.

ENTRY #2240
5/9/13

THE SONG: Ho Hey, The Lumineers
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: heard it at least 70,000 times and still not mad at it yet. Odd.

It says you should look at it with dark sunglasses but all punkers know, you just look right at that thing bare eyeballed!

Searcy smokes a lot of cigarettes. You get the patch, here at Crailtap we do “the subtle vibe”.

It’s been a long time since I added a new “feature” to this “column”. But starting today we introduce FUCKER ALERT. Just an average shout out to anyone being a fucker.
Todays FUCKER ALERT is this guy. Everyone knows only a FUCKER would wear a royal blue tie with a dark blue suit.

ENTRY #2239
4/30/13

THE SONG: Home, Wooden Ships
THE PLACE: Home
THE WORD: Couch

Ben, what’s up with yer boy?

After watching day time TV with the flu for three days I realized how stupid it would be to date a vampire. They’re fucking unpredictable. Why are people so into them?

I wonder how the core market is in the robotic insect industry or if they are all malled out, too. Hmmm.

ENTRY #2238
4/29/13

THE SONG: Sleepy Sun, Freedom Line
THE PLACE: the freedom line
THE WORD: you crossed it

You assholes that thought you were going to get stuck eating “the fake ones” the rest of your life can exhale now. Blubberstain!

If we could just get the Spurs and Clippers eliminated from these playoffs, I’m ready to watch! Haven’t seen a more douchey season close out since Bynum took his jersey off last year. Dwightmare!

What up, NASA?

ENTRY #2237
4/26/13

THE SONG: She Thinks I Still Care, George Jones
THE PLACE: the universe
THE WORD: RIP

As usual, goats doing what man can not.

Fuck, does this mean I won’t be able to stay four nights at the Parker for $20 less then usual? Lame.

Give or take 1000 degrees. FUCK OUTTA HERE, Science.

Seriously, Spurs, you got this.

ENTRY #2236
4/25/13

THE SONG: The Unknown, Asteroid #4
THE PLACE: no one knows
THE WORD: same as the place

Can we fucking move on? There is definitely some other shit we don’t understand. FOH.

In an interview today, I said “like” three times. Not in the form, “We like to do things this way…” more in this form, “we’re like, looking for someone…”. Sorry Mom and Arthur and Bird. The silver lining? We, like, fully hired her.

Scoochy J cried when he was watching the movie, Pitch Perfect. Wait, was it that or The Perks of Being a Wallflower? Either way, he cried a lot on that flight. If the flight was 16 hours, he cried for 12 of them.

Celtics Ben refers to general population in the world as “the wild”. There’s that one huge green reason to not like this guy but he sure knows how to distract me.

ENTRY #2235
4/24/13

THE SONG: And at the Beginning, Asobi Seksu
THE PLACE: the beginning
THE WORD: the beginning

Isn’t it insane that the hashtag #totesannoying is #totesannoying?

You got this, Spurs.

So maybe you keep your gun rights but you have to only travel on horse back when using your gun….like back when your rights were written? FOH.

I wish I had time to study baby sea turtles. That’s not my first wish, it’s WORLD PEACE, obvs.

ENTRY #2234
4/22/13

THE SONG: Other People, Beach House
THE PLACE: near by
THE WORD: who cares

No talk about the sun or other planets today. Happy Earth Day, Motherfuckers!

Yesterday I hiked with Spike in flip flops and then when my feet were disgusting, I went to a foot massage place. I know, I know, it’s like Reda blurted out to me at Buscemi’s wedding, I was supposed to make these guys more like me, not become more like them. But I did give the lady with the bucket of dirty water at the foot massage place an $11 tip.

In all fairness to Magic Johnson, he did predict “Lakers in 5 games” before Kobe was hurt. I think it’s safe to say “Spurs Sweep”.

You haven’t won a banner to put up so there’s no need to worry about this yet.

ENTRY #2233
4/17/13

THE SONG: Apocalypse Dreams, Tame Impala
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: dreamy

Oh, you don’t have red wine and aged scotch at your board meetings? Call your dad, that’s what we did.

Rickk likes to say “there’s no way that’s possible” when he doesn’t like what you’re telling him. He needs to watch Minority Report a few times. Hello? That shit was all possible.

When you’re given “the exclusive” try and not act like an asshole.

Key word, “could”. Remember when I liked the solar system?

ENTRY #2232
4/15/13

THE SONG: I’m Writing a Novel, Father John Misty
THE PLACE: not sure
THE WORD: you’re in it

Dear Craig, have fun in Korea. Peace Out. LITERALLY.

ENTRY #2231
4/11/13

THE SONG: Let’s Go, Matt and Kim
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: Nochella

Follow @crailringer, going to get to 10,000 followers by Sunday.

Not only is this story about the sun but I also cover anything “Flare” related.

How does the saying go…”Guns don’t kill people, college kids aren’t people…”? You people are NUTS.

ENTRY #2230
4/10/13

THE SONG: Runnin’ With The Devil, Van Halen
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: you know how we do

What next? I’m cheering on Paul Pierce? Felt like Ben to neglect this column so badly. Apologies.

This is where me and “My Click” part ways. Go ahead and help yourself to my portions of food, Scott and Craig. I’ll be here watching the news.

Setting goals for 2020? Seriously, Taco Bell, even WE think that’s funny.

ENTRY #2229
4/5/13

THE SONG: I Heard You Looking, Yo La Tengo
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: you heard me.

NASA should start a band called, “Um, we don’t really know“. Fucking annoying goofs, find something definite and definitely tell us.

Craigers, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is your friend Tiffany is now MY friend Tiffany. The bad news is we thought you had a better sense of humor.

Today in a meeting we had our first moment of The Baltrotsky’s colliding. Warmly remembered as “Hershel’s Greatest Miss”. Love you two.

If you have two patents about to blow up and you just invented two hot sauces and can’t work full time because the phone could ring at any moment and “bam, things change”, how about you stay the fuck out of my office to interview for a warehouse position? And “IT bartender protector dude” don’t write to The Mez and stand up for inventors. He’s not my boss. Spike’s dad is.

If you yearn for an exhibition of three dudes that wanna be cool but don’t want you to know that, follow @crailringer. 185 people can’t be wrong.

ENTRY #2228
4/3/13

THE SONG: Becuz, Sonic Youth
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: fucking fabulous

Bird, the good news is you never wanted to be a coach.

OK, so a 2 billion dollar cosmic ray detector caught a hint of dark matter? You spend 2 billion dollars, you better seriously blow minds. You’re at maximum kook status.

Sorry Canada but you wanted to be friends with us. Now you get drug into this crazy mo-fo’s shit. You guys bring the ginger beer, we’ll bring the vodka. And it goes without saying but, you guys bring the weed.

ENTRY #2227
4/1/13

THE SONG: Writing Letters, Tsunami
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: later!

Rickk tried to say yesterday that he was going to start an Instagram of just me and see how I liked it. I think he quickly remembered who makes the cookies around this place.

Since Rickk is very set on not blaming his ongoing battle with the flu to the amount of Irish Car Bombs he does with his boyfriend, I am going to be offering him some other suggestions of stories to tell….

Is that all Nasa does? Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda? Fucking find a star or planet or transport someone somewhere and Instagram that shit.

ENTRY #2226
3/29/13

THE SONG: One Time, Justin Bieber
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: that was enough

Every Friday is Good Friday when you don’t have to work Saturday. My mom use to say that at church, it was funnier then. Sorry for trying to be funny. This column is known for being not funny.

When Spike leaves a phone message asking for advice he says at the end, “I already have my mind made up but call me back anyway”. Yeah, that’s called “I can call all the shots but I am not 100% sure of my shot calling”. Which is totally different then what Mikey does which is called “I can’t call any shots until I run them by 22% of everyone closest to me”. It’s a recipe for success if you look closely at the ingredients.

Cool, another blogger that writes about things that no one cares about. Good to know it’s not just me.

Follow me @crailringer for an in depth look at glitter, glamour and goofs!

ENTRY #2225
3/28/13

THE SONG: I Don’t Wanna Hear It, Minor Threat
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: zip it

You want an update? Mikey’s in the Bahamas, Spike is in NY and Rickk has the flu. Rickk’s flu is not from drinking. Spike is not back in NY for good. He just hasn’t decided which coast is “in” so he’s keeping it up in the air.

And speaking of Spike, his dad says “fuck” a lot. And he calls Crailtap, “the site thingy bloggy shitty”. Better name then we came up with but he wasn’t our boss yet.

If an employee opted out of the Lottery pool here at Crailtap, you might not read this article in the news. Just sayin’….

Follow me on Instagram for riveting photos of your three favorite socialites. @crailringer

ENTRY #2224
3/25/13

THE SONG: Golden Brown, The Stranglers
THE PLACE: my oven
THE WORD: small house fire

Can I write this column in ten minutes? For anyone that checks it, Yes I can.

I’m going to let Chick get married. And I’m letting him marry a gay goat just to further prove you fucks need to mind your own business. You lose. Again.

 

And with that, this column is D-U-N!

ENTRY #2224
3/25/13

THE SONG: Blue Ocean Floor, Justin Timberlake
THE PLACE: the ocean
THE WORD: I guess “blue”….I’m fucking out of ideas.

If you can’t figure out how to get your Pandora to run through your Apple TV, don’t wait until Mikey’s at the Tampa Pro. He has some sort of Irish Car Bomb accent that is really hard to understand.

I don’t think I want a goat anymore. (Reverse psychology…..shhhh).

Follow me @crailringer if you want to see what all the cool kids aren’t doing.

Craigers is on an exotic jaunt through the US and can’t be stopped. Where next, Tempe?

ENTRY #2223
3/22/13

THE SONG: No One Is A Loser, The Sugarland Gang
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: Kidding

Tampa Tampa Tampa.

Spike. Spike. Spike.

Selfie. Selfie. Selfie.

ENTRY #2222
3/20/13

THE SONG: Many Shades of Black, The Raconteurs
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: grey

It turns out the angry bartender is not even a bartender. He’s an IT person that feels like he needs to fight the good fight for bartenders. The bottom line is that our production person can’t fix your server, you can’t make a bloody Mary and the guy who sent his resume in response to an ad for “NO LESS THEN THREE YEARS IN CLOTHING PRODUCTION” can’t work here.

With Mikey helping more with the marketing of the brands, stay tuned for a Tila Tequila Crail Couch.

Jesus wouldn’t take a “selfie”. #YOLO

We’re sort of like Google in that you can bring your dog to work. The part where we’re not like Google is where we turned the kitchen into an office.

ENTRY #2221
3/18/13

THE SONG: Day In, Day Out, XTC
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: it keeps turning.

If you ever feel like you are not getting enough Rickk, Mike and Spike, follow me on Instagram @crailringer

The Mez opens all my hate mail so he let me know that some angry bartender didn’t like that I bagged on the bartender that sent his resume for our production position that is open. Just to be fair, I doubt the production person we hire will be able to whip up a tequila sunrise anywhere close to the quality of what you do. And I doubt the person that owns your bar wants to take the time to teach him.

And just to be more fair, this column is about goats, the sun, two professional skaters, a celebrated director, a tough guy, a dude that was busted at the river, a used car salesman and a few other things. Maybe write your senator or the local paper or anything that has at least 2% substance.

Last night The Lakers won without Kobe. Not sure what that means but I need filler. I’m not like Ben, I can’t just let this column sit here and not breathe.

It feels like her campaign to show us how incredibly stupid she is, is really going full court press.

 

ENTRY #2220
3/14/13

THE SONG: Cry Me a River, Justin Timberlake
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: OK

If you read an ad for a production coordinator and it says “3-4 YEARS EXPERIENCE A MUST” maybe don’t include “I can’t think of a better candidate for this job” on your cover letter if you’ve only bar tended. I have nothing against bar tending but I have been a patron enough times to know, you fuckers aren’t prepping tech packs.

I attribute this to the new Pope. God listened closely this week.

My office has a small bathroom and Rickk did me the favor yesterday of taking a huge dump after lunch. It truly made the rest of the day in my office so great. I’m currently blaming it on the Skateboard Mag because they took him to lunch. I know, it seems like I should blame Rickk but you didn’t hear? Yeah, he and Mikey can’t do anything wrong. It’s pretty cool.

I can’t tell you how badly I need four wings.

ENTRY #2219
3/12/13

THE SONG: Free Lunch, Annie In The Water
THE PLACE: right here
THE WORD: BUSCEMI!

Goats are the last punkers left on earth. Period. Enjoy poser-hood, people.

Nobody cares. I see stars every night. You guys aren’t blowing minds anymore.

ENTRY #2218
3/6/13

THE SONG: Our Deal, Best Coast
THE WORD: here
THE PLACE: I said, here!

Blah, Blah, Blah……

Craig’s keen ability to spot the right resume is not his keenest ability.

Go Kings. That’s right. I can’t take Dwight playing like he’s 5’3″ with oil covered hands. I clearly can’t cheer on the Anaheim Clippers so hockey it is. Tough Guy and River, “we” got this. Good game last night.

Mikey thinks we should make tampons. We all have our ideas for growth.

ENTRY #2217
3/4/13

THE SONG: Empty Lot, Banner Pilot
THE PLACE: You tell us
THE WORD: “Every sport races….”.

Smyth is moving in on my baking bonanza. Seriously Sam, I’ll put a vending machine with all high end items in right next to that all processed snack computer you have in the warehouse. Don’t fuck around.

Yesterday while Mikey drank tequila and mimosa’s, I went to spin class, baked cookies and took a hot yoga class. He had more fun, I feel pretty much the same. Victory Carroll.

Rickk has had the flu for about three months. It’s a blast.

Another NASA discovery of something that “might” exist or no longer does. You’re boring me, NASA.

ENTRY #2216
2/28/13

THE SONG: Sunset, The Babies
THE PLACE: the beach
THE WORD: every night

Social Media to show you’re winning as an individual is proof you’re losing. Fun fact.

Congratulations to everyone on Girl and Chocolate, everyone behind the scenes, the cameras and especially Baby B! Pretty Sweet night for all of you last night!

Lazy people like free money. It’s been that way since the dawn of time. Well, no, I guess they didn’t have money then. But lazy people then probably wanted free dinosaur eggs.

I have a feeling when I resign, I am not leaving in a white helicopter. That’s cool, I had way more fun then he did.

 

ENTRY #2215
2/25/13

THE SONG: I’m Different, 2 Chainz
THE PLACE: Where Mike and Rickk are
THE WORD: Different

Moment of silence.

“You can’t try and get all dreamy and take the high road with motherfukcers that dwell on the low road…”. That’s how to get my attention, the proper use of the word “motherfuckers”.

WHAT? Fake goods coming out of China? Get the fuck out of here!

ENTRY #2214
2/20/13

THE SONG: Happy Birthday, Stevie Wonder
THE PLACE: The Universe
THE WORD: Scoochy J…..1/3 My Korea Click!

For some reason, Mikey is being a complete dick. Maybe that’s in style, he is at the Magic show right now so clearly he knows the trends.

I f’ing love when there is a successful jewel theft! 50 million in less then three minutes….good work, dudes!

Smaller then Mercury but bigger then your brain, dumbass.

This shit is scandalous in the goat world.

ENTRY #2213
2/18/13
THE SONG: The Oh So Protective One, Girls
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: safe

We’ve had several discussions about how Level 1 here at Crail West could kick ass on Level 2 but Walsh sealed that even being open for debate on Friday night. Yeah, Jamie!

I’m telling you, don’t be on the late train. Get into goats!

Craig, tell your people to just let Russia have it’s shine for a moment. Floridians….

ENTRY #2212
2/8/13

THE SONG: As Long As You Follow, Fleetwood Mac
THE PLACE: Instagram
THE WORD: social media mayhem

Follow my friend at @crailringer. We’re a lot alike so you can gauge your love/hate off of that fact.

Happy Birthday, Thiebaud. As my mother told me one night when I was leaving for the prom, “one bad decision can change all of our lives”. I think you know what she meant and I know you know what I mean.
Get your shit together, Jim.
Hugs!

ENTRY #2211
2/7/13

THE SONG: On Reflection, Appleseed Cast
THE PLACE: my mind
THE WORD: yep

Much like Rickk Howard, goats don’t like cops either.

Each day I hate outer space just a tiny bit more then the day before.

No T and A, CBS, then you don’t get Mikey as a viewer.

ENTRY #2210
2/6/13

THE SONG: Chinese Embassy, Alberto Iglesias
THE PLACE: Hong Kong
THE WORD: Federico!

The good news is, you won’t have an anxiety attack watching him not rebound and contesting every call. Soft fucker.

One more report about space or Mars or the sun with the word “might” or “maybe” in it and I’m going to be over it. That’s right, I’m almost over space.

I guess you can’t have iPhones in Indonesia?

ENTRY #2209
2/5/13

THE SONG: Who Are You, The Who
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: Team Lazy!

Dude’s only offering a $300 reward….he doesn’t love his goats as much as he says he does.

Ha Ha, Fat ass!

Today I was in a meeting with Rick, Mike, Sam, The Mez, Jenkins, Hersh, Callaway and Carnalag and Mikey fell asleep, sort of, twice. Well, he just yawned like a bear that was waking up from a four month nap. It didn’t annoy me, why?

ENTRY #2208
2/1/13

THE SONG: The Shadow Of Love, The Damned
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: just the shadow…

Rickk went to get another root canal. He’s so competitive. Chill out, Rickk, there is no way you’re catching up to me. I have four real teeth left, just stick to what you know.

The Gav called me yesterday and he said, “let me call you right back, it’s _________________”. And he just never called back. And you know what the funny part is? I didn’t have anything left to talk to him about.

The Turnover’s are 2 for 2. That would be about a 68% better winning record then MY Los Angeles Lakers. Go Burbank.

Spike does a way better chick voice then this guy. Seriously.

ENTRY #2207
1/31/13
THE SONG: Girl U Want, Devo
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: figure it out

Looks like he’s going to be OK, Mikey. Don’t stress.

I also want a baby lamb. I want a goat, panda, whale and a lamb.

Do Scoochy J and Craig seem like the type of guys that would eat an endangered species? I didn’t think so either.

 

ENTRY #2206
1/28/13
THE SONG: Suggestion, Fugazi
THE PLACE: your mind
THE WORD: you may have lost it, chubby

A friendly reminder that I truly should not complain about Rickk, Mike or Spike.

Wait, so he mutilated three goats and he gets out on $10,000 bail? That’s good thinking, if he isn’t afraid to mutilate goats, I am sure we don’t have to worry about his mental illness turning into some kind of shooting spree. You’re a dick, Tanner. Mental or not.

I think the real reason is because The Lakers are on a two game winning streak.

 

ENTRY #2205
1/25/13
THE SONG: The Product, Minutemen
THE PLACE: You’ll see
THE WORD: Shut up

Goats don’t like Doritos.

I’m trying to get an internship for this gig. I don’t really care about the scrap metal, you know me, just trying to get into outer space. Seems more likely then Rickk or Mikey buying me a goat.

You seem normal.

 

ENTRY #2204
1/17/13
THE SONG: Jump, Kriss Kross
THE PLACE: Who cares
THE WORD: we’re fucked

Gasol was in practice today which means he might play tonight which also means we might lose tonight. When I say “we”, I mean me and Steve Nash.

In the event you were asking yourself, “can cultural influences make the market any sketchier“.

 

ENTRY #2203
1/16/13
THE SONG: Chickens In The Pen, Kid Rock
THE PLACE: The Pen
THE WORD: Chickens

I found out today that if someone is more pissed off at you then you are at them, you can just let them carry the load of anger. Thanks Dave and Owen, you guys are f’ing awesome!

This is great news! This means that Honey Boo Boo will probably have a baby and put that baby in pageants and we’ll just end up being a nation of fat losers. Wait a minute….

I’m going to get our wood shop to make this. Then I’ll get a goat. And then go to the moon and some other shit.

ENTRY #2202
1/14/13
THE SONG: Suit and Tie, Justin Timberlake, featuring Jay Z
THE PLACE: the universe
THE WORD: More like totally wrong featuring a little bit of right

What? Who’d they tease? I’m confused.

We’re about to start setting up sensitivity training so enjoy this column while it lasts. And if you already hate it, I think it should be gone soon.

Slaussage sat in the Laker seats last night and we won but I think it really had to do with the fact that at some point, we had to win at least one game out of twelve.

When he was still normal. Weird.

ENTRY #2201
1/11/13
THE SONG: Oklahoma, Alfred Drake and Chorus
THE PLACE: LA
THE WORD: #noplayoffs

More goat abuse. The world has not shortage of motherfuckers.

Looks like the big rock isn’t going to hit the other big rock with all the dumb monkeys on it.

“How can you not believe in this team? This team is built to win. It’s a very, very solid team”
– Lakers executive vice president Jim Buss

 

ENTRY #2200
1/9/13
THE SONG: Country Roads, John Denver
THE PLACE: the country
THE WORD: take me home!

I think it’s just about time to not ask that question, “Can this get any worse” about The Lakers. Let’s just watch and wonder. And take deep breaths and appreciate all that couch time we won’t regret during the playoffs.

Last night Spike and I agreed he was not “corpo”. I was mostly agreeing so I could get out of my car and deal with the nice man repairing my heater. Jonze, call me, I’m kidding!

This guy last night was telling me about the NHL lock out being over and then he repeated some quote from Wayne Gretzky about escaping to where the puck is going to be and not where it’s been and the whole time he was talking I was trying to remember if I had Skittles in my glove box.

Are American telescopes any better then European telescopes? These photos look like I took them from earth. This astroid is going to be blazing by earth again in 23 years so might as well just put off checking it out until then if you’re busy.

ENTRY #2199
1/8/13
THE SONG: Learning To Fly, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: moon

When I say “we”, I mean me.

Right when things were so good between Eldy and I, he posted a Selfie. It’s fine, Justin, I am sure cool friends are totally easy to find.

Wow, I’m so curious what they said to each other. NOT.

ENTRY #2198
1/7/13
THE SONG: Locked Out of Heaven, Bruno Mars
THE PLACE: Heaven
THE WORD: Locksmith

Craig and Scoochy J, let me know what color you want for the flight. You’re welcome.

See that tiny guy on that huge wave? That’s not Spike.

Rickk and Justin car pooled to the Burbank airport to make up for the fuel that Mikey pushed into the atmosphere from a private jet. Go big or look normal.

I like my hands nice and warm when I throw air balls.

ENTRY #2197
1/4/13
THE SONG: Ghosts That We Knew, Mumford and Sons
THE PLACE: right here
THE WORD: Ghosts are better then the real thing

Most of the time, in order of worry, it goes: Rickk first, then Mikey, then Spike. Mikey has taken the first spot on a Beauty and The Beast Tour as well as a few New Year’s Eves but Rickk holds steady in that spot with his keen ability to not know his own strength.

But today when Spike texted me he was “eating and drinking and surging” a lot, he took that spot. “Surging”? What is that some sort of new director energy yoga? What the fuck? Lucky I am sharp enough to realize he wasn’t with his assistant so he can’t spell check his texts. He meant “surfing”. Watch out for Rickk. Jonze is fine.

If you ever want a good laugh, talk to Rickk about how he’s “up” when it comes to gambling. The calculations are nothing short of hysterical.

Mikey, tonight when the game is on, your team is in red and blue.  The guy that looks like the chick from the Wendy’s logo on steroids, he’s your guy. You’re welcome.

 

ENTRY #2197
1/3/13
THE SONG: We Found Love, Rihanna
THE PLACE: A hopeless place
THE WORD: love

Um, I think it’s time to take them off the f’ing pentagram. They’re recycling trees. Recognize already, people!

I was with her biggest fan all weekend and I can tell you, she truly isn’t facing much backlash.

2012 ended with the sad realization that after all those years of popping bottles, Mikey can not open champagne. Scott Johnston’s wife was kind enough to show him how to not spill 30% of every bottle on the floor. Either way, it was a blast.

ENTRY #2196
12/27/12
THE SONG: Chapter Two, Roberta Flack
THE PLACE: GIRL SKATEBOARD CO INC
THE WORD: Lets do this!

Very last post of 2012 for this column. As with every year, the more things change; did some serious Girl spring cleaning, finally one of our parents had to step in and run this place with us, Smyth got that neck tat, Mikey joined Rickk and Spike in the directors role, Eti and Jenkins have worked here long enough to bring in a second generation, Crail East was born, Callaway realized The South Bay IS where it’s at, River got hitched, we’re finally in double digits for female employees and we’re about to begin decade two of this game.

The more things stay the same; my office needs a window, The Mez and Rickk still can’t control their bowels, the Lakai office looks like it’s from another building, we didn’t win every award Rickk thought we deserved, we called the police twice, the world didn’t end, I learned my lesson the hard way, Bird said the perfect thing at the perfectly wrong time, Jenkins had a question for an employee that no longer worked here, softball game and every other gathering was a fucking blast, even the winter loves the sun and goats are still gods gift to us.

Cheers to everyone on a Pretty Sweet year, and I mean everyone, we’re blessed beyond any of our  wildest dreams.

 

ENTRY #2195
12/26/12
THE SONG: Treats, Sleigh Bells
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: almost gone….

you’re Canadian, today is truly not a holiday.

At Whole Foods about an hour ago, a gentleman told me my driving sucks, I should use my blinker and he should call the “fucking cops”. Looks like Santa didn’t know where to drop the packages marked “motherfukcer” off to. Dick!

We’re on catalog deadline and Rickk went and ate at Monk’s. Everyone knows you don’t eat at Monk’s unless you have time to have diarrhea for two days. Rookie move, Core.

Eldy’s been banned from the Laker season seats. All the signs are starting to appear that the world IS ending. Don’t worry, I will blog from heaven.

ENTRY #2194
12/21/12
THE SONG: Jammin’, Bob Marley
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: let’s do this!

Happy Holidays. Let the games begin.

 

ENTRY #2193
12/19/12
THE SONG: Steak for Chicken, Moldy Peaches
THE PLACE: somewhere
THE WORD: no idea

Spike’s dad can call us here at Girl and tell us we’re not doing shit right. And then you have to send him reporting and summaries of how you are going to fix your actions.

That was a fun twenty year run of doing what we wanted. Seriously, super fun.

Not trying to get a baby whale anymore. Did some research and they get big and pissed off in captivity and then kill you. I don’t need those kinds of problems.

Earlier I was speaking with my sister and she said, “wouldn’t the world have already ended in Australia” and I had to explain the time difference and that it won’t end for them until tomorrow. DUH.

This type of stuff in a “Selfie” is so upsetting. Come on, close the shower curtain and make a sick back drop. It’s a full time job, trying to get this part of the population to stop making us look like our heads are up our asses.

 

ENTRY #2192
12/14/12
THE SONG: Sad, Pearl Jam
THE PLACE: CT
THE WORD: sigh….

Heart goes out to you, folks. Doesn’t really get much more horrible then this.

ENTRY #2191
12/13/12
THE SONG: Mountain Music, Alabama
THE PLACE: the mountains
THE WORD: the music

Monday is our annual Holiday Dinner and I think I’m doing the playlist. Hope you like your Mary G Blige sprinkled with a little Willie Nelson. Full “FAIL” but the upside is no one will sleep on this task next year.

And “pre-party” is the new “after party” which I think means we’re starting this weekend.

Oh, that’s your idea of “making shit happen”? Cool, take care.

Now I want a baby whale, too. I have to work the logistics out with the gallons of water in my pool and the budget for bamboo for my baby panda but I think this is going to work. I feel really good about this.

ENTRY #2190
12/12/12
THE SONG: We Are The Champions, Queen
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: us

Dear Rickk, Mikey, Spike and Santa, these goats I’ve wanted for the last ten years are $100 max. Not directed to any particular one of you in any particular order but that’s less then three hands of poker, a Commes De Garcon wool jacket and two privates in pilates. When I buy it on my own, don’t run around saying “we” got a goat at Crailtap.

Eldy, I’m speaking in code of course but are we out of weed in the one special weed jar? You know what I mean?

Bird, we blew it on our 12/12/12 tats because I heard from a friend that the cool kids got them at 12:12 PM. If I can’t rely on you for this type of shit, what can I rely on you for? Jesus.

R.I.P dude, you were awesome!

ENTRY #2189
12/11/12
THE SONG: It’s Tricky, Run-DMC
THE PLACE: um..here
THE WORD: Tricky

Mommy’s, don’t let your babies grow up to be babies.

Already turned in my “time off” form since I will have to stay up all night for this. You’d think meteor showers would be less like the cable company and not give you a twelve hour window to have to wait around.

For the love of God, they’re producing something that makes caramel! Take them off the damn pentagram, weird metal freaks!

ENTRY #2188
12/10/12
THE SONG: I Aint Mad At Cha, Tupac
THE PLACE: nowhere
THE WORD: someone’s always mad at you. Seriously.

Today I was in on a meeting where Meza tried to take Mikey’s role in our lives. Meza, there’s only room for one guy with no answers and all worst case scenario’s. Seriously.

I just found out that those photos that (mostly) chicks take of themselves with their own camera with their arm extended are called “Selfie’s”. I love to hate the second hand embarrassment those give me, the more “sexy” and “serious” the facial expression, the more I like the cringe. Don’t stop, ladies. Seriously.

Bookmark SPACE.COM because you won’t always have me to rely on. Seriously.

ENTRY #2187
12/5/12
THE SONG: Mistake, Moby
THE PLACE: who cares
THE WORD: who cares

Spike is going on secret getaways, that when asked, he simply says, “I’ll tell you about it when I see you”. Suspicious and sketchy. Add those to your reel, Adam.

In an effort to have us continue to take him very serious, Craig is taking Thursday and Friday off to go to a skate reunion in Florida.

Oh no…what if it turns out that Twilight is real? Fuck, this has been a crazy year.

What? And this? What other crazy fucking out of left field thing could blow our mind?

ENTRY #2186
12/4/12
THE SONG: Only Girl, Rihanna
THE PLACE: skateboarding
THE WORD: boring us

He should sit out every Tuesday. And weekends. And when we play teams in the West.

Goats don’t get aggressive and chase you for no reason. Tell your kids to stop lying, Texas.

Maybe the Mayan calendar will take only the people that believe it? That seems cool. And the people that think it has even the slightest bit of relevance all get shipped to an island? Then they can make an army of “dumb”. Cool, make it happen.

Larson hates that this ever left his mouth, but he did leave here to “spread his wings”. Larson, are they spread? I’m just checking, dude, you know we have need to know if they are or not.

 

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CLICK BELOW FOR THE 2002 NBA FINALS, CRAILTAP STYLE:
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NEW ARCHIVES HERE

ENTRY #2185
11/30/12
THE SONG: Girl on Fire, Alicia Keys
THE PLACE: Girl
THE WORD: FIRE!

Spike has been fighting the flu all week and Rickk lost the battle and just has the flu. Mikey is healthy and getting shit done.

Bird, this is like four blocks from where I was trying to talk you and Mrs. Bird into moving. Totally far away from the good part of the beach. Don’t show this to Callaway until like, mid January.

It’s Craig’s “birthday weekend”. Holy Pee Wee’s Playhouse.

The person behind this should be charged with kidnapping and attempted murder. Fucker.

ENTRY #2184
11/28/12
THE SONG: My Life, Eminem and Adam Levine
THE PLACE: their lives
THE WORD: duet?

Justy….seriously.

I was looking for Kenny so I texted Mikey and he responded with telling me where I already new he was. Rickk and Spike were leading the charge on annoying but now it’s back to the usual tie.

I’m suspicious and unexcited about things that are 250 million light years away. Sorry.

Three of the top ten best selling jersey’s in the NBA. Too bad it takes five guys to win the game.

ENTRY #2183
11/27/12
THE SONG: Something’s Gone Wrong Again, Buzzcocks
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: why not

RIP Camacho. And if you need to learn anything from this, don’t’ drive around with nine bags of cocaine in your car. Puts you in that slight, “things could get sketchy” window.

There’s a full moon tonight and a lunar eclipse. Figure out where you need to be and make sure you check it out. You don’t want to get to the end of your life and feel empty because you saw every episode of The Kardashian’s but never an eclipse.

Sean’s managing bands in his down time. Boy bands only. And only ones that will let him choose their band name.

ENTRY #2182
11/26/12
THE SONG: Stars are blind, Paris Hilton
THE PLACE: lost
THE WORD: I think she’s finally gone…..

Rickk is a great instructor when you are trying to learn snowboarding or maybe stand up paddling in a wetsuit three sizes too big. You get about 4 minutes to be fantastic at what he is teaching. It’s really the best way to learn anything.

The stories are rolling back in from the world premiers of Pretty Sweet and while we haven’t heard them all yet, from we we have gathered, Guy will also get last part if we make a video on precision power throws of water bottles at loud mouth idiots.

She bounced back from every other stupid thing she’s done, so why not? F’ing zombie won’t die.

Did anyone need more proof that the security guards at the mall might not go through the most rigorous training?

ENTRY #2181
11/21/12
THE SONG: After The Storm, Mumford and Sons
THE PLACE: help
THE WORD: here

Crankers, even with my busy schedule I still want to learn the words to your favorite Green Day song. What was it called again? Text me.

If you’re at immigration and the officer says, “would you like to tell me about your arrest” don’t come back with “which one”. Maybe try, “I’m not sure what you are referring to” and let him jog your memory. Thanks, Rickk.

America, it’s not like the government is taking away all cupcakes and snacks at 7-11. Chill the fuck out.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

ENTRY #2180
11/14/12
THE SONG: The Final Countdown, Europe
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: super calm, no one is stressed at all.

In case you are feeling hurt that you can’t get a ticket to the premiere, I just told my brother he can’t go. The brother that taught me how to swim, drive a stick shift, and shoot a gun.

There’s more to this story. A goat wouldn’t head butt you for no reason. Come clean, newspaper boy.

Now that I can’t be verbally abusive to Slaussage, we are getting along really well. Calling each other, “friend” and stuff. It won’t last.

Rickk and his fiance, Eldy, are going for three nights in a row of fun and romance. You can’t stand in the way of that kind of energy. Believe me, I know.

ENTRY #2179
11/13/12
THE SONG: Endless Love, Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
THE PLACE: section 107
THE WORD: Team South Bay

Rickk and Mikey made me get a new phone then they lost all my app’s on my old phone. Then they made me do all this crap to get them back.

Oh, and then also made me start a skateboard company with them.

Three days until that FUCKING TICKER comes down off Crailtap.

 

ENTRY #2178

11/12/12
THE SONG: Don’t Speak, No Doubt
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD:I can’t

The video is done so Rickk, Eldy and I went and ate soft pretzels, drank champagne and strolled on the beach. I hated being the third wheel but it was still beautiful.

What are we as Americans suppose to do now? This is insane.

He’s not the Zen Master but he’s not the Spaz Master either so I’ll take him! Go LA!

 

ENTRY #2177
11/9/12
THE SONG: Finally, Fergie
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD:Deliver that thing, Howard!

It only took five fucking years but these guys finally finished Pretty Sweet. Holy Mary Mother of God!

Spike left for London. He’ll be back the day before the Pretty Sweet premier and then he’s going to try to take a nap on the day of the premier. He is absolutely riveting on Fridays.

Ah really? I loved watching him flail his arms around on the court like a tantrum throwing seven year old.

This was on our lawn this morning when we got to work. If someone out there was trying to do the whole “horse head” thing like in Godfather, you took the very not gangsta route. RIP unidentified Torrance raccoon.

 

ENTRY #2176
11/7/12
THE SONG: Basket Case, Green Day
THE PLACE: oh here I guess
THE WORD: Crankers, did you learn the strings?

Callaway, Ichat me, I need you to grab my groceries for me in your down time. It’s just a three shop stop, Whole Foods, Target and Ralph’s.

I’m guessing, besides Pat Lawlor, I am one of many who feels completely awkward when “Tom Sawyer” comes up in the shuffle when I’m home alone? We are a Canadian friendly household but we have limits.

t don’t really want to see the space station but I would like to text with NASA. Let me know if that is on the table. I’ll see the space station, too I guess. Whatever.

This is a bat. Some have rabies and will bite you and you’ll maybe die and others are just going to fly by you flapping their fluid wings.

 

ENTRY #2175
11/5/12
THE SONG: Fight the Power, Public Enemy
THE PLACE: Everywhere
THE WORD: Yawn

Now what?

 

ENTRY #2174
11/1/12
THE SONG: Gangnam Style, PSY
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: better then no style

Well, this will come as no surprise to you but the video is NOT done. Dudes be acting like it’s done. IT AINT.

If I ended up in a street gang with Kenny, Eldy and Rickk, are people going to take us serious in a true street battle? I’m worried we just aren’t going to look very badass.

The Gav is on his way. He calls when he’s 15 minutes away because he needs to make sure there is someone with a credit card to go eat with. He’s a blast but not a cheap lunch date, full “appetizer and entree” type of guy. And no table water for The Gav, get this guy a large soda pop.

My goat is going to wear so much flare, it’s going to be cray. And Rickk and Mikey, don’t be trying to pet this thing when it gets here. You had plenty of my birthday celebrations to be part of the goat bonanza and all you cared about was skating and shit. Just go skate, fuckers.

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CLICK BELOW FOR THE 2002 NBA FINALS, CRAILTAP STYLE:
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ENTRY #2173
10/31/12
THE SONG: Tutti Frutti, Little Richard
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: pipe down

Rickk told me last night that Mikey told him he felt “physically exhausted”. Hmmm…little late to the club, Carroll but welcome. You guys should finish the video. Seriously, finish it. It’s not funny anymore.

Great season opener, Lakers. I almost passed out from the passion. And to the guy one row ahead of me waving his phone to get reception to check his Facebook, please let those not be your season seats. Please oh please!

People, don’t import your black tar heroin in front of Eldy’s fort. It’s fucking inconsiderate. Seriously.

Bird, what’s that called in economics when the sox with weed are selling better then weed? Go Huf!

 

ENTRY #2172
10/30/12
THE SONG: Teach Your Children, Crosby Stills Nash and Young
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: not to grow up to be douche bags

Rickk and Mikey are very touchy right now. Why? The video isn’t done. I’m not kidding. Don’t tell them I told you.

To the person that keeps stealing my identity or selling it into rings in other countries, can you mellow out on me, dude? Seriously, half my day is spent on the phone with the cops and the bank. Isn’t it time to move on? Prick sucker.

Opening night tonight for the Los Angeles Lakers. Or as Clipper fans call them, “the guys that bring the banners home”.

Eldy… what time we leaving?

ENTRY #2171
10/29/12
THE SONG:The Next Episode, Dr. Dre
THE PLACE: right here
THE WORD: right now

Which candidate has the better program for the people that work really hard to not have to work? Just checking. Those people are awesome. But they don’t vote, do they? Too much work?

Congrats to all the SF Giants fans. I’m not a fan but as long as it’s not the Yankees and A-Rod, I’m stoked for the victory.

Be safe, family and folks on the east coast, Hurricane Sandy is not fucking around. And this guy in the photo needs to stop fucking around. We don’t need to see you swept out to sea to understand you could be swept out to sea.

 

ENTRY #2170
10/25/12
THE SONG: Set It Off, Big Daddy Kane
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: territory

I am getting a panda. Maybe. OK, fuck it, I’m not.

Spike, don’t cc me on anything regarding filming for Pretty Sweet. That is where I draw the “we’re all one big team” line in the sand. Seriously, knock it off.

Gav and I agreed yesterday that you can be an idiot starting at a very young age. Very young, like 9.

I saw someone getting “romance” advice from The Mez today. It’s not getting any more normal around here.

The one puzzling thing is that blender to the right of the two sinks. What would you need a blender for in a meth lab? Hmmm.

ENTRY #2169
10/24/12
THE SONG: I Got A Man, Positive K
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: Hutch

The video isn’t done. It’s not your problem but, well, it’s not mine either. YET.

Eldy, when you’re not busy roasting clams at the fort at dusk, can you call me? We were suppose to be doing a lot of stuff that isn’t happening so far. I might go deep sea fishing on Saturday.

After Spike celebrates his birthday at a sit down dinner, he says stuff like, “alright bitches, let’s go to Rage and get table service”. He’s so hip and on point.

Hey Smyth, wanna go anywhere we want in public this weekend?

 

ENTRY #2168
10/22/12
THE SONG: Happy Birthday, Altered Images
THE PLACE: here on earth
THE WORD: Go Jonzey, it’s your birthday…

That test I ran last night in pre-season to see if a Laker hater could sway the win? Complete. Slaussage is on a life time ban from the seats.

Meg Bird beat Kelly Bird in a mini triathlon over the weekend. That chick is fearless! Not afraid to live with Bird after a loss? Must be Canadian.

Can all editing please fucking stop when I make pizza dough all afternoon? Come on, people! Let’s prioritize.

I’m not getting a panda. It’s a long story but just know that in a tiny way, it’s Spike’s dad’s fault. They’re expensive to maintain and he would not like the way it fit into our “marketing” budget. Bye Bye hopes and dreams!

ENTRY #2167
10/19/12
THE SONG: Here You Come Again, Dolly Parton
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: go

Mikey bought Famous Amos cookies and some pop tarts out of the vending machine this morning. Talk about a cleanse.

I knew there was something sketchy about Zumba!

Rickk’s office. The Mez took over typing and Hersh brought in three versions of an ad that Rickk told him, “no one was wowed” about. The final countdown to Pretty Sweet is tense.

ENTRY #2166
10/18/12
THE SONG: California Love, Tupac
THE PLACE: Torrance
THE WORD: LOVE

Gav, I do think somewhere in Rickk’s heart, he feels like Eldy can match you for a good time. He might never be able to speak those words but it’s somewhere in his heart. Sorry.

I think since I’m getting a panda and a goat that I might as well get two pandas. And a kitten. Because I figure it’s going to be a lot of work regardless and it sounds cool to say, “Two pandas, a goat and a kitten”.

Delusional people are starting to be my favorite breed. You go, girl!

50% of the editing of Pretty Sweet is done with a shirt on. And horrible posture. Sit up, Mez.

 

ENTRY #2165
10/17/12
THE SONG: Ours, Taylor Swift
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: my phone

I got a new iPhone but Rickk and Mikey took it back from me. Yeah, they are fuckers, why you were wondering?

I’m kind of worried. I’ve been doing research on my panda I’m going to get and it turns out they get irritated with annoying people and can become dangerous. Mettee, can you be careful around him….just sayin’.

Oh, it is literally people that want to “fuck the world”? My bad. Sweet ink.

 

ENTRY #2164
10/16/12
THE SONG: Don’t Stop Believin’, Journey
THE PLACE: your tiny world
THE WORD: yeah, that one

I don’t like goats killing people, but you can’t go into goat territory and then get pissed when a 370 pound goat doesn’t dig you. It’s like I said before, when a goat roams into your living room, call me and let me know how out of line he is.

Great news! Their might be aliens! Exactly.

I’ve decided to name my panda Juan Carlos. That’s just a working title, could get more spicy.

 

ENTRY #2163
10/15/12
THE SONG: Learning to Fly, Tom Petty
THE PLACE: the desert
THE WORD: chill

Since Spike’s step mom like’s me as much, at times more, then she likes him, he’s now trying to be closer with my sister, Sue then I am. Don’t waste your time, Spike. I’m like her favorite everything. Seriously.

I do not know what Eldy is doing at 1:49AM that he pocket dials me. Eldy? What are you doing?

Get your food to go, dude. Goats don’t like waiting outside the bar for you. Or being “goat arrested”.

I’m excited to get my pet panda. My only two concerns are bringing him to meetings and having him violently attack someone I like and how to get 30-50 pounds of bamboo for him to eat everyday. And I can’t decide on a name. F’ing panda, already stressing me out, dude.

 

ENTRY #2162
10/11/12
THE SONG: Free Ride, Edgar Winter
THE PLACE: ‘Merica
THE WORD: Go for it!

Bird, you want to get into any numerology with me on the date? Come on, you know it means something, buddy.

Hmmmm, interesting.

In addition to a goat, I now want a panda as well.

 

ENTRY #2161
10/10/12
THE SONG: When We’re Dancing, Twin Shadow
THE PLACE: The desert
THE WORD: Friday!

Bird and Callaway are using so many big words these days. It’s like working at a real company. Fucking weirdos.

37 days…I’m not skeered.

Anyone want to trade me one of these for a pass to the premier of Pretty Sweet? Only serious barters reply!

 

ENTRY #2160
10/9/12
THE SONG: Your Head Is On Fire, Broken Bells
THE PLACE: your head
THE WORD: fire!

The Gav is coming by tomorrow. He needs some paperwork from us and we need some paperwork from him. Get your Amex out, Rickk, he said he’d be here “around lunch time”.

Smells like, “Waaah, I need attention”.

I don’t like this contest because I don’t like Eva Longoria. I don’t like Eva Longoria because during the NBA playoffs one year, when she was married to Tony Parker, she wore jeans that said PARKER in sequins down one leg.

This is all proof that this column and the internet are not helping you.

The tiniest goat! Shhh…it’s sleeping.

 

ENTRY #2159
10/8/12
THE SONG: The Rip Tide, Beirut
THE PLACE: Yep
THE WORD: Out front

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving to Rickk, Crankers, Meg Bird, Neil Young and the rest of the Canadians that make planet earth a little brighter of a place.

If there’s a “fucking rolo” in your brownie, I baked it, fool!

Happy Birthday, Hershel. I bought you a shopping spree at the Salvation Army on Western and Sepulveda. Just go take whatever you want. Seriously, just grab a bunch of crap and bring it back to your cubicle. Oh wait, you already did! Happy Happy Hershy Hershy!

Yesterday MJ went to a pumpkin patch and look who was there! A friendly goat.

 

ENTRY #2158
10/5/12
THE SONG: Sick Kid, The Babies
THE PLACE: Crail East and West
THE WORD: we’re sick!

I forgot to tell you that Craig shook the CK frames and is back to his sassy self in contacts. I should also add that River cut that huge Joey Buttafuco hair style and Searcy trimmed his beard. As a posse, we’re looking pretty fly for white guys.

Well, about 7 of us have all the signs so things could get weird.

Is there anyone on the planet that wants to see Hulk Hogan get down? Let’s extend that to other planets, too?

Ben, cruise over, it’ll be ready Saturday by 2.

 

ENTRY #2157
10/4/12
THE SONG: Meet The Frownies, Twin Sister
THE PLACE: 12 mile radius
THE WORD: Sweet gang!

Why doesn’t this dude have a part in Pretty Sweet, Mikey?

ENTRY #2156
10/3/12
THE SONG: The Lazy Song, Bruno Mars
THE PLACE: America!
THE WORD: America!

This goat is a little bit of a spaz but still pretty awesome.

Why would someone put this sign up? I know Jim hates Spike but I don’t think Spike hates Jim back. In fact, I know he doesn’t hate anyone. Weird.

I can’t believe these two can’t get along? F’ing shocking!

 

ENTRY #2155
10/2/12
THE SONG: Sun, Cat Power
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: Thank you!

You know how you would feel weird if a goat just roamed into your living room and jumped on the couch? Yeah, stay off the fucking trail if you don’t like aggressive goats.

Going back to my research on the sun. Volcano’s are boring me. Useful maybe but boring.

My friends are making a movie.

ENTRY #2154
10/1/12
THE SONG: Word Up, Cameo
THE PLACE: wherever
THE WORD: word up!

Slaussage bruised his voice box. Yeah, I didn’t like hearing him say it either.

Crankers saw a trick called a “crotch grab” on Saturday. (Sorry Crankers, just wanted to make sure you got your completely uncomfortable moment in today).

Bird, in so many words, told me yesterday that he’s not interested in hanging out with me if Rickk isn’t there. I’m not hurt, that’s why I put it in my “blog”.

Boating community is really knocking it out of the park. Wonder what society would feel like with less douche bags? Probably a lot less crowded.

 

 

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ENTRY #2153

9/28/12
THE SONG: They Always Fly Away, Blouse
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: birds?

Yesterday someone that read my column said, “you probably annoy Spike, Rickk and Mike, too”. As if. AS IF!

I’m not sure about this whole volcano thing. It seems like we’re waiting for a lot to happen but it’s a really slow process.
I might go back to following the sun. I might even go there without Nasa’s permission.

K, I have to go, so check The Mez’s column. It’s amazing.

 

ENTRY #2152
9/27/12
THE SONG: My Home Town, Blitzen Trapper
THE PLACE: my hometown
THE WORD: go home, fool

The video isn’t done yet. I’m sure it will be but it’s not right now. #justsaying

Happy Birthday to Avril Lavigne and Lil’ Wayne. She’s a skater girl and he wears Ugg boots to Laker games.

The Mez told me yesterday that he considers his ability to make sense one of his talents. I have no idea what you would parlay that into here but the confidence part might save him.

I just want to say that I don’t endorse this photo. And I don’t think Spike’s dad would either.

 

ENTRY #2151
9/26/12
THE SONG: The End, Best Coast
THE PLACE: The universe… maybe just earth
THE WORD: that one trend

In order of annoying, FULL THREE WAY TIE! Rickk, Mikey and Spike! Mix it up however you feel most comfortable. I tried it in all the variations and it works great! Nice job, guys.

And will we do what with this information?

Day Three of “Weird Glasses on Craig” in full effect. This place never gets any easier.

The condominium complex next door likes to put their trash in our parking lot when they don’t feel like walking to the dumpster. I can see how they would be exhausted from all those trips to the dairy and Monk’s.

I hope they like their very visual and artsy invitation to TRASH FEST that is going to take place on their front and side lawn through all of October.

 

ENTRY #2150

9/25/12
THE SONG: Personality, The Babies
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: should we trade it all in for good looks?

Crankers feels like the soap and detergent we use isn’t up to par so he brought his own while he visits. And yes, the Vanitude, too.

Craig sat through an entire meeting today with that weird Steve Jobs look he’s running. I tried to ask most of my questions to other people in the meeting. Get your eyes checked, freak.

I wonder if we are going to need a permit for this. And yes, Smyth, we won’t be drinking.

 

ENTRY #2149
9/24/12
THE SONG: Everything Is On, Asobi Seksu
THE PLACE: HERE
THE WORD: 53 days, motherfucker!

“Mr. 305, checking in for the remix…”?. Fuck Outta Here.

So far the worst thing we can dig up on Malto is that when he’s severely dehydrated, he does not make the bed in the guest room. He’s still looking like a pretty solid citizen but let’s consider that a strike against him just to level the playing field.

MySpace had roots? Huh?

Craig came back from Sonoma wearing some sort of sketchy Calvin Klein glasses. Who knows what that guy does on the weekends.

 

ENTRY #2148
9/21/12
THE SONG: Electronic Dream, The Appleseed Cast
THE PLACE: my head
THE WORD: full trip out

Craig went on vacation. AGAIN. Dude, first you’re romping around Asia for two weeks, then you have to have three day weekends? As my perverted softball coach use to say, “Step up or Step down”. It’s cool, I never listened to him either.

F’ing kidding me! Lucky goat, awesome pig. Faith restored.

Not afraid to get a little patriotic here at Crailtap West Headquarters.

 

ENTRY #2147
9/19/12
THE SONG: Make It Happen, Arrabmuzik
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: now!

Mikey left for Tokyo today. I guess he wears really baggy sweatpants when he flies because he stopped in on his way to the airport and I don’t see him wear those things on the regular. Rickk wears sweats like that but not to an international airport. Spike doesn’t wear sweats. That’s our stance on sweatpants.

If you just google “slurring” or “smelled like alcohol”, this chick should be in the top three of the search. Get a driver, asshole.

I like that guy in the background as much as I adore the goat. Thanks for putting the life vest on him. If I ever find out who you are, you’re getting a life time supply of the New Era’s Mikey designed.

 

ENTRY #2146
9/18/12
THE SONG: Happy Birthday, The Ting Tings
THE PLACE: the universe
THE WORD: Love you sister, Sue!

Had our 2nd “you’re not allowed to meet without a parent” meeting. Feeling really grown up.

Slaussage may have been a potential pro golfer. Sort of a retraction.

Really? Needed to write a gay slur under your eyes for a game? In case none of your friends told you, you’re a fucking moron.

So with two of your buddies and you all had guns, you were able to kill a goat? I’m sure you know, but you suck.

 

ENTRY #2145
9/17/12
THE SONG: Fail, Evergrey
THE PLACE: LA
THE WORD: classic!!

Why would you hunt for goats? Just wondering.

Finally, something worth watching on Fox News!

Mikey, seriously, stop buying the gum he endorses until we get to the bottom of this.

 

ENTRY #2144
9/14/12
THE SONG: Happy Birthday, Stevie Wonder
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: Rudy Johnson. Love you, Rudy!

As with the sun, lava does not fuck around.

And Slaussage is still sticking by his story.

This morning I had to use Mikey’s bathroom to throw up because Rickk made me eat horse vitamins. I don’t want to give away too many secrets but Mikey poops A LOT. I mean A LOT.

 

ENTRY #2143
9/13/12
THE SONG: Problem Child, AC/DC
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: take your pic

Slaussage claimed to have been to the most active volcano in the world in Indonesia. Since I have to check facts before writing this column, I looked it up and it turns out that little story can be filed right alongside his claim that he was almost a pro golfer. Mark, this isn’t middle school. We’ll still like you if you’re just boring from North Dakota.

Frosty, clean this profile up. I would do it but I have to write this column.

Libya, seriously, chill the fuck out.

 

ENTRY #2142
9/12/12
THE SONG: Saturday Sunday, Twin Sister
THE PLACE: SF
THE WORD: Most of “us” will be there.

I had to get Jeremy help me move my iTunes from my old computer to my new computer and I deleted some music I thought he would think was really lame. But I left the Eminem on there. Interesting, isn’t it? And he looks away when I type in my password. He’s got a very professional side to him. He’s not all desert.

I’m taking a cooling off period from the sun to focus on volcano’s. I need to give NASA more time to figure out how to truly get to the sun. In the mean time, this video is four minutes long. That’s about the same amount of time as my neighbor, Eldy, touches up a photo in Camera Plus before posting to Instagram. Which means we have have time to watch this.

Mikey, good news and bad news. Call me to discuss.

 

ENTRY #2141
9/11/12
THE SONG: Let Me Remind You, Denis Brown
THE PLACE: who cares
THE WORD: seriously, who cares

Last night I talked to Mikey on his cell phone from my car while he and Rickk were on Skype together. It was really cool to be able to hear Rickk tell Mikey to tell me to bring him some food. I’m the luckiest girl in the world for just so many reasons.

Sam, seriously, clean that f’ing office. You’re kidding me, right? And Hershel, just replace your name where’s Sam’s is in that last sentence. It’s like we’re trying to win a competition for the most offices packed with crap. I’m going to start stealing one thing a day to see if you even care about the stuff you’re hoarding.

This is Nick from Gigilos. Sick tattoo, sicker single nipple pierce. So upset with you, Bird.

 

ENTRY #2140
9/10/12
THE SONG: Your Time Is Gonna Come, Led Zeppelin
THE PLACE: ya know
THE WORD: no one cares

Basically, a goat launched The Fugee’s.

Spike doesn’t know if he is going to live in NY or LA. That is seriously way more chic then even choosing one. Nice play, Jonze.

Mikey is struggling with time management. That’s all I’m going to say. The old me might be annoyed. But the new me is not going to say anything.

Seriously, mankind, I’m so over you.

 

ENTRY #2139
9/7/12
THE SONG: Nothin’ But Time, Cat Power
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: editing Pretty Sweet………

We only have one Craig and he is driving the cutest little blue SUV around town.

Forget about how fucking great this band sounds, what about the fact that they’re Canadian and they use GOAT FREE pentagrams? That’s a death metal band I can feel good backing.

Bird has brought many great things into my life. Most recently, this dude, Brace. He’ll screw you in exchange for a spray tan. Quite a deal.

 

ENTRY #2138

9/6/12
THE SONG: Like This, Wonder Girls
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: like this

I’m going to be doing a lot more marketing in this column soon. The good days of goats, the sun, Rickk, Mikey and Spike are numbered. Just letting you know so you can mark your calendar, “WHEN THE RINGER JUMPED THE SHARK”. Thanks.

Last night when Bill Clinton was speaking, I pretended he was running for President. I really wouldn’t even care if he did blow on the podium, I just like to hear that guy talk. Call me simple, I just don’t care.

The Gav was just in my office telling me that if he were single, which he’s not ladies so back off, he would go through a website to meet women that were trying to meet Asian men. I guess I don’t surf the net enough, I haven’t seen that one. EVER.

We have two Jason’s, two Jamie’s, two Aaron’s, two Kelly’s and two Andy’s. That’s how I’m going to hire from now on, you have to have the same first name of an employee we already have employed. This is going to be a challenge but I’m up for it.

How scared would you be if you ordered a pizza and when you got a knock on the door 30 minutes later, this dude was outside?

 

ENTRY #2137
9/5/12
THE SONG: Dry Hump, Twin Sister
THE PLACE: On Demand
THE WORD: Brace

I love you, Marsden and Donna.

Looks like Rickk and Mike got a little side business going.

Thanks Bird, last night when I couldn’t sleep I went the ON DEMAND route for that Gigilo show. That dude Brace is so disgusting. The idea that he found a way to get money from women to have sex with him makes me wonder what he could accomplish if he used his powers for good.

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ENTRY #2136

8/31/12
THE SONG: Happy Birthday, Delroy Wilson
THE PLACE: the universe
THE WORD:  RICKK!

Apologies for using the word “wack” when referring to DJ’s in yesterday’s post. Sometimes I am so distracted trying to relate to Spike and Crankers that I forget I’ve moved out of my own comfort lingo zone.

I’m not sure I would want a statue that I had to complain to get? Congrats, Kareem. I think.

Really makes you feel good about man kind that in 2012, forest rangers are throwing rocks at goats on a trail out in nature so human’s can enjoy the trail. Way to go, humans!

 

ENTRY #2135
8/30/12
THE SONG: Get It Wrong, Get It Rick, Feist
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD:  nobody’s perfect.

So every song ever is being remixed so that if you ever liked a song you only can hear some wack ass DJ’s version of it? I just want to make sure. Buscemi, is that what’s trending here?

Also, are cargo shorts back in fashion? I need to let Craig know.

Thank you, God,  or whoever was processing my prayers last year.

Favorite guy. Ever.

 

ENTRY #2134
8/29/12
THE SONG: Happy Birthday, Stevie Wonder
THE PLACE: earth and Encino
THE WORD:  Happy Birthday, Gav

Gav got a pedicure yesterday because I think he was getting ready for his big day today. This is a before and after. Probably has a bright future if they need foot models for Lord of The Rings. Gav, get that second toe shortened with surgery. Seriously.

 

ENTRY #2133
8/28/12
THE SONG: Wings of Speed, Paul Weller
THE PLACE: not down under
THE WORD:  take your time

I think whoever named this criminal at the police department needs to be fired. Everyone in every kind of robbery wants you to “make it quick”. Your options if you don’t are usually getting shot or pistol whipped.

“Broke ass bitches with designer sunglasses”. The homeless in Torrance are ruthless if they aren’t happy with your contribution.

Goats don’t want to wear jewelry or dresses. Weird that you have to be told that.

ENTRY #2132
8/27/12
THE SONG: Watching The Wheels, John Lennon
THE PLACE: not here
THE WORD: who has time to watch wheels?

There was a Pretty Sweet production meeting at Spike’s this morning. Looks pretty stressful.

 

ENTRY #2131
8/23/12
THE SONG: Farewell and Goodnight, Smashing Pumpkins
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: later

From Wizard Ben and myself to the greatest Laker since Magic Johnson, Happy Birthday, Kobe Bryant!

New list of things I never need to do:

1. Go to the Del Amo Mall

Sucks to be the guy that shot John Lennon. Fucker.

 

ENTRY #2130
8/22/12
THE SONG: Confusing, Young Tree
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: more reports!

We have to have a parent in our board meetings now. That’s how childish my partners are.

 

ENTRY #2129
8/21/12
THE SONG: Heads Up, Karen O and The Kids
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: Let’s do this!

Over the weekend, Bird was giving someone advice on sorting out a matter with a co-worker and I think I heard him say “punch him directly in the face”. There was a lot going on so let me check with him but I think that’s what I heard.

Spike, speaking of violence, in a conversation with Rickk, I figured out I could get him to stab you in the leg. I just think that’s important for you to know how the relationships lay out on paper. Ya know?

People, stop letting your kids draw the sun. It’s so annoying.

 

ENTRY #2128
8/17/12
THE SONG: Campus, Vampire Weekend
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: alumni!

In case you’re still wondering what to get Rickk for his special day!

Ah, Katie.

I think he’ll be twice as believable in independent films. I’m so excited.

The haters are the second best part. Seriously.

 

ENTRY #2127
8/14/12
THE SONG: Ego, The Sounds
THE PLACE: not here
THE WORD: no idea

Spike, you know how you’re totally into Thor so you recommend movies like The Avengers and stuff? Well, I heard that the place Asgard, that Thor is suppose to be from might not even be a real place. Sorry to bum you out. He’s still, Thor?

America, sometimes you know how to suck at a level and in a way that is simply remarkable. Congratulations!

Torrance, gettin’ all up in the political discussion. Usually we just are glad that there’s a fast food place on every corner.

 

ENTRY #2126
8/10/12
THE SONG: The Beach, Niki and The Dove
THE PLACE: The beach
THE WORD:  The beach

“Means nothing”. -Buscemi…..I guess parades aren’t trending with you right now?

Hershel, I just want to let you know that NO ONE has done anything inappropriate in your office while you’ve been on vacation. In fact, I think Jeremy has been guarding it with a close eye. It’s fine, no one’s butt has been on your phone or mouse or anything. Hope you’re enjoying Asia. We miss you.

Hey Canada, and when I say Canada I mean: Meg Bird, Supra Pete and Rickk…you guys were killing it at synchronized swimming when I was leaving for the office this morning. Your team was in 4th which would mean…um…what’s the medal after Bronze?

Smyth, here’s the link for Hoarders on A&E. I think if you’re going to save cardboard in the corner of your office, let’s for sure parlay it into some marketing. Love you, bud.

ENTRY #2125
8/9/12
THE SONG: Baby Brother, The White Stripes
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD:  CARROLL!

Less then 100 days left to pick out an outfit for the premier, Crankers!

Never thought I would miss Willow’s “whip my hair back and forth”. Kids turned out cool.

Gold Medal, Wizard Ben. Gold Medal Women’s Beach Volleyball.

And Soccer, too, Ben. Psyched?

 

ENTRY #2124
8/8/12
THE SONG: Children Crying, The Congos
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD:  pre-school

We’re so sponsoring this dude!

It turns out some of Rickk’s theory about the Canadians participating in the summer olympics is true. I guess they think that Americans are such babies that we might start a war with them if they get too many medals in both the summer and winter so they let us have the summer medals. We like starting wars so I’m not hating this theory.

No, I don’t think the kid needs a helmet. Her dad built it out of PVC pipe in their backyard, totally safe!

ENTRY #2123
8/7/12
THE SONG: Feel Good Lost, Broken Social Scene
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD:  wander

Well, do you?

Rickk, Canada actually went to the summer games, right?

ENTRY #2122
8/3/12
THE SONG: Collect Call, Metric
THE PLACE: Korea
THE WORD:  Monday

Snoop “Lion” wants to be a judge on American Idol? Wow, seems like everything is working out just fine.

And nobody we know is as smart as the goats so you’re not going anywhere.

Rickk told me last night that he doesn’t get caught up in the medal count in the summer Olympics because Canada gets it done in the winter. Is Shaun White Canadian? Anyway, if Canada was in the top two countries with medals, he would be so caught up in it.

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ENTRY #2121

7/30/12
THE SONG: I Stand Corrected, Vampire Weekend
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD:  my bad

Wow. I would love to have this be even in my top 1000 things to worry about. She’s lucky.

That white bike is his. Shhhhh!

ENTRY #2120
7/27/12
THE SONG: The World’s A Mess, X
THE PLACE: the world
THE WORD: clean up!

I would just like to reiterate, I have never been “talent manager”. NEVER. EVER.

What about the fact that he’s never been funny even when being appropriate? That’s what I would truly like to see in a headline, make me feel better about being an American.

In case they never evolve in your lifetime to speak or write, goats don’t like being any part of the pentagram design or your devil worship. Fucking freaks. Put your own face on the next crappy evil logo you design.

 

ENTRY #2119
7/26/12
THE SONG: All About You, The Rolling Stones
THE PLACE: Your universe
THE WORD: you!

I knew this fucker in the goat suit was up to no good! Maybe a goat will put a human costume on and shoot an arrow through is thigh.

Schlaussage, this is what your mustache looks like. I know when you look in the mirror, you see a witty white dude that isn’t a bad ball player. But other people see a guy that looks like he needs a co-signer to buy a van. And once in the van, he looks like a guy that has two strikes against him so he’s driving in the slow lane on his way to Comic-Con.

Who wouldn’t want to spend their day off with you when the second thing out of your mouth is, “this isn’t a race”?. Hike alone. And smoke a joint. Maybe you won’t have to post an ad to not hike alone, freak.

 

ENTRY #2118
7/25/12
THE SONG: Champs, Wire
THE PLACE: Burbank
THE WORD: margins

You have to publicly apologize even if you’re a vampire? Fuck. I’m so confused.

Should I buy an actual photograph of footprints on the moon from a guy on Craigslist? Hersh?

If you want to see something you WILL NEVER see Rickk or Spike doing, here, check this out. I mean, you won’t see me doing it either but that’s different.

 

ENTRY #2117
7/19/12
THE SONG: Champs, Wire
THE PLACE: Burbank
THE WORD: I’ll let you know tonight.

Hersh is going to start working from a remote island. I guess this island we’re already on doesn’t weird him out enough. Good luck, Hersh. Especially with internet.

A lot of dudes have shorts on today. It’s very unsettling.

I’m sure you hardly have any of these in stock, they look so much like a real goat. Goats are not evil, dipshits. Stop reading comic books.

Dwight-Mare!

 

ENTRY #2116
7/18/12
THE SONG: One Week Of Danger, The Virgins
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: Wednesday

The past three nights Spike has only gotten three hours of sleep so if he comes across like a self absorbed asshole, don’t take it personally, he’s just tired. But not too tired to surf.

People, let’s love the goats, not invade their space. Fuck, how hard is it to get this message across.

I stole this from Feds. I wonder why Mikey is drinking that huge bottle of urine? Oh well, it’s making him super limber so let him live.

ENTRY #2115
7/16/12
THE SONG: Another Day, Dragonette
THE PLACE: everywhere
THE WORD: time, bitches!

Now that Slaussage is back, I realize that Craig’s impersonation of him is horrible.

It should be a double penalty for partying in those white jeans, freak.

I’m more embarrassed as a Laker fan by this then I would as a Knick fan by the Kidd thing.

Reason #100,921 that these animals rule!

 

ENTRY #2114
7/13/12
THE SONG: Wishes, Beach House
THE PLACE: don’t worry about it
THE WORD: don’t worry about that either

There is an actual phobia for people that are truly scared of Friday the 13th called “Paraskevidkatriaphobia”. Or the short version, “baby”. Fucking super surprising that it only exists in America.

Craig hasn’t done his Slaussage impersonation since Monday. Break it out Chamile, I miss Mark. I know River wants to see it again.

Smyth, yesterday we hired clowns and magicians for Jeremy’s birthday and we all drank beer all day and celebrated and we lit things on fire and painted our faces. It was seriously so off the hook. Lame you weren’t here. We’re never doing it again.

Rickk, Mikey and Spike got new names and a new logo. Pretty coo, guys.

 

ENTRY #2113
7/11/12
THE SONG: Go With You, Toro Y Moi
THE PLACE: An island
THE WORD: don’t worry about it

Pluto, you’re not The Sun. Get use to it.

I’m excited for this guy to get to heaven.

This could end up being a fun Laker season. Hopefully Lil’ Wayne gets Clipper season seats and Beckham gets traded back to a British soccer team.

ENTRY #2112
7/10/12
THE SONG: Go and Come Back, fleeting Joys
THE PLACE: Europe
THE WORD: Not Rickk

That home run derby thing the MLB does makes the NBA slam dunk part of the All Star weekend seem like the best party you’ve ever been to. That thing needs to be cancelled for good.

Hersh just came in and talked to me about “going off the grid”. He wants to do it with health insurance, though. I was going to explain the theory of true anarchy to him but it just seemed like it was going to get way too deep. I save those deep talks for Mikey, someone that appreciates and digests them.

Spike’s back from China. That part of earth was getting pretty trendy for a minute there.

The Turnover’s have a “make or break” game tonight according to Rickk. With Bird and Slaussage in some part of Europe going on bike rides and antique shopping, they are short two key players but Rickk feels like they can possibly pull it off. I think they can too if Rickk doesn’t air ball it in the last twenty seconds like he did that one time. God, that was embarrassing.

I’m not going to say anything mean because he’s so old, he might die and then I’ll feel bad. Bird, how do you think he got so dehydrated? Moonshine?. Kidding.

ENTRY #2111
7/9/12
THE SONG: The Park, Feist
THE PLACE: the park
THE WORD: Someone made Jenkins’ son clean it.

I guess Chamile lives in Huntington Beach. That’s all I can remember from our conversation. Oh, and Slaussage, he hasn’t doesn’t any impressions of you in like, a week. He did a small one today but it seemed like he wasn’t being as mean as when he did the really good on the other day.

River is growing his hair out but it’s not getting longer, it’s just getting bigger. It looks sort of like this but with no gray and he’s a lot more handsome. He use to get a haircut like twice a month and gel the crap out of it but it looks like he’s not that interested in impressing us anymore.

Spike is claiming the guy the on the far left, his super power in The Avengers was that he could “see really good”. That’s a super power? Sorry, I’m still so overwhelmed by the shittiness of this entire movie that I keep marveling over it.

ENTRY #2110
7/6/12
THE SONG: Go Outside, Cults
THE PLACE: go
THE WORD: GO

Oh God, it’s like Canada all over again, copy everything we do!

Officially done complaining about my job. Seriously. It’s fine, there’s no bees, I’m not 100′s of feet in the air.

Next stop….

Guess who’s coming home on Sunday? That dude!

ENTRY #2109
7/5/12
THE SONG: Love Playin’ With Fire, The Runaways
THE PLACE: Redondo Beach
THE WORD: Kovar!

Now stop putting them on pentagrams, kooks. They are do-gooders!

If you love fireworks this much, you are going to end up in Rickk’s photo shoot! Family Johnson rocks!

Canadian and bad hair? My type of guy! Welcome to the Lakers, don’t blow this.

ENTRY #2108
7/3/12
THE SONG: These Burgers, The Moldy Peaches
THE PLACE: the grill
THE WORD: I said, the grill

As long as “Mr. 305″ doesn’t end up in the 310, I’m good with where ever you send this goof.

Wait, so there are no songs anymore, just remixes of songs? Fuck Outta Here with that. This means the DJ’s have out numbered the artists? Not sure I have time to solve this one.

Slaussage, when you get back from Europe, you have to ask Craig to pretend he’s you. It’s a pretty interesting rendition. Might only do it when he’s mad but I feel confident that you can get that out of him.

We’re having our annual company softball game in August, right TOUGH GUY?

He’s not fucking around, clearly.

ENTRY #2107
7/2/12
THE SONG: You’re Not Very Well, The Charlatans
THE PLACE: not far
THE WORD: looks bad

Bird is gone for two weeks which means Chamile will not have to answer the question, “Do they understand a simple concept called HONESTY”?, in the middle of a meeting with Bird making heavy eye contact. Just relax Craig, let your hair down. You big baby.

Rickk pretends he doesn’t read this column anymore so it’s fine to tell you that he has the worst Euro tourist look going right now. Cut offs, striped yellow button up, printed sox, feathered hair. Super Eastern block vibe he’s pushing.

Mikey told me the story today of getting punched in the face so many times that he had time to say to himself, “Wow, this dude is punching me a lot, this is gnarly”. He’s a thinker not a fighter.

Oh My God, this looks so good! THE TRAILER is so good! I wonder is she’ll reveal how she made that cupcake skirt? Fuck Outta Here.

 

ENTRY #2106
6/29/12
THE SONG: Goodbye, Best Coast
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: deadline, bitches.

Wizard Ben, I tivo’d this for you. Let me know when you want to get a six pack and watch these assholes yuk it up with Oprah.

Mikey, this is unacceptable for the 4th. I mean the necklace, the swimsuit is fine. And I have potatoes if you want to put one in the swimsuit to look like this guy.

I don’t remember hearing this in history class at West Torrance High. Must not be true.

 

ENTRY #2105
6/28/12
THE SONG: Goodbye, Best Coast
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: Health Insurance

Do you think it smells like shitty music?

One of our soldiers is slightly injured. Feel better soon, K Cooper! And let us know if the hospital food is too amazing and you start to feel spoiled, we’ll bring you some of the crap from the outside!

If we move our offices to the Oregon coast, this is the meeting room. What’s in the red trunk, you ask? Oh, probably a bunch of shit Hersh wouldn’t throw away.

 

ENTRY #2104
6/27/12
THE SONG: Goodbye, Best Coast
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: later!

Dammit, the one time he plays for another country and he might miss it. Chris Brown and Drake continue to fuck up my summer.

Just posting this for Hersh, this is his favorite band.

I can’t believe all the nice things I have done for Rickk, Mike and Spike and I can’t get this goat. You guys are just horrible!

 

ENTRY #2103
6/25/12
THE SONG: So Tough, The Slits
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: forever and shit

Mikey, I know you fanned out on the Twilight dude but I want it to end there. I’m still recovering from Rickk telling me that Scotty J would read Harry Potter books on tour. Let’s be better then this.

My biggest nightmare with Chick. I have repeatedly told myself this was not possible. If a raccoon walks in carrying Chick, I am just going to hope that he also has magical trance powers and that Chick is in a deep meditative sleep.

One more of the dudes just left for China so I guess that means Spike is having a part in Pretty Sweet, too. Nice Jonze.

ENTRY #2102
6/22/12
THE SONG: So Tough, The Slits
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: always

“Artist skater type”….what’s that?

The subject matter on the weed message boards are amazing. How to sneak in to Canada? I thought it was just people trying to sneak out?

Wizard Ben, if I get you in the holiday pick this year, your bedroom is going to be your new basement. I know, so sick, right?

ENTRY #2101
6/21/12
THE SONG: You Are The Best Thing, Ray LaMontagne
THE PLACE: earth for these past two decades….
THE WORD: Mr. Howard.

That Pretty Sweet countdown is also perfect for shopping for my birthday. Just an FYI.

Doesn’t seem like “easy money” to me. I guess I’m just so spoiled at this job

These are the hottest places on earth. (Not as in “so hot right now” as in temperature). Nasa uses a satellite called the MODIS to measure the actual heat. I’ll keep you posted but we just might be moving the operation. I’m always cold, Libya anyone? Smyth? Jenkins?

 

ENTRY #2100
6/20/12
THE SONG: Top Ranking, Blonde Redhead
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD:  sure!

I wonder how difficult it’s going to be to get tickets?

Really, OKC? I have to see this guy get a ring? I mean, it was super cool last year in the playoffs watching him lip sync Eminem lyrics but a ring, too?

Oh my God.

 

ENTRY #2099
6/19/12
THE SONG: Summer, Alien Ant Farm
THE PLACE: this hemisphere
THE WORD:  it’s time….

Gav, let’s make a wager on this. It’s not like you ever pay so win or lose you’re solid.

I know he’s getting ready for something big, he’s been relaxing for literally, YEARS!

That came out really cool, Ben. Really cool.

 

ENTRY #2098
6/18/12
THE SONG: Walk On The Moon, Asobi Seksu
THE PLACE: the moon
THE WORD: already did

If you run one of the largest appliance and audio and visual stores in the country, you should get your delivery shit together. We just wanted a fridge delivered today and I received five calls, from Ohio to Riverside saying the driver had arrived early and could only wait fifteen minutes. You dudes should open your own 3PL. In Pedro. Seriously.

We got 151 and light beer the other night so Eldridge could make us these shots that are on fire before you drink them. Eldridge, seriously, that was three points off your score. No bueno, my brother. You need to redeem yourself.

Gav, I don’t want the car detail from the bet you still owe me. Get me this pig. I will throw the gnarliest tantrum if you don’t.

I mean, if you’re going to have two dudes fighting over you, might as well be these winners.

 

ENTRY #2097
6/15/12
THE SONG: Through Being Cool, Devo
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: a few dudes

Craig is really making a strong point of letting everyone know in the building that even though there are several people here from Florida, he’s true Florida. He’s rocking some sort of “I worked in a bong and poster shop and was promoted to manager” look. I guess I lost control of the place. Yesterday Hershel has on Daisy Dukes and now Craig.

Eldridge and I did a sort of blood brother/sister pact yesterday. It was just a text but so dramatic and it almost felt like time stopped. He’s never moving out of the South Bay Beach area. NEVER. Sorry Valley kids, we won the fun guy. Oh, and we’re also going to live life more because last weekend we agreed we’re going to die some day. #BRINGIT

A Taco Bell hoax? Who would do such an evil thing.

EA came in my office around 2PM and said, “See you later” and I go, “oh, you’re leaving early” and he goes, “I’m going to the Street League with Rickk”. I need to look at the employee chart, I don’t think Rickk out ranked me but maybe it needs to be adjusted.

ENTRY #2096
6/14/12
THE SONG: The Wrong Thing, The Congos
THE PLACE: oh, ya’ know
THE WORD: do it, bro

Hey DJ at the gym, can you cut the three hour remix of Tainted Love to maybe just 44 minutes? Oh wait, sorry, that’s your IPOD your “spinning” the tunes on, not mine. Dickhead.

If I was Robert Smith’s best friend and he showed up at my house to pick me up before a gig, I would very kindly say, “dude, you can’t run that look anymore, you look like a drag queen”. Then I would pour us both a glass of wine and say, “come on, let’s hear an acoustic version of Love Cats”. I’m just good with people….when I’m not micro-manging them.

I asked Hersh to switch these shorts to his “Saturday and Sunday” closet. Holy hot pants at the office. Hersh, Google “Business Casual”.

 

ENTRY #2095
6/13/12
THE SONG: You’re the Boss, The Brian Setzer Orchestra
THE PLACE: nearby
THE WORD: Seriously Spike, you are.

This has to be great for boxing! You need five completely new judges to see if you made the right call? Solid, you guys are on top of it.

Wahhhhh!

This column was so jocky today. Tune in tomorrow when we go full black Norwegian Death Metal. Those dudes are NOT jocks. Trust me.

 

 

ENTRY #2094
6/12/12
THE SONG: First Time, Styx
THE PLACE: LA
THE WORD:  Congrats Kings…and River and Rich! You waited a good while for that one….

 

ENTRY #2093
6/11/12
THE SONG: Things That Scare Me, Neko Case
THE PLACE: Hollywood
THE WORD:  the people

Wizard Ben, I just wanted to say that Eldridge was just going to send you the word “LATER” in the last twenty seconds of the Celtics/Heat game and it might have sort of been my idea to send the little emoji symbol of the guy with the tear. There was a lot of sports going on, hockey, basketball, a boxing match and The Step Brother’s were pumped on opening restaurants, swimming and pulled pork sandwiches. In all the commotion, I can’t remember if I was my idea but I have foggy visions that it was. Either way, let’s party when OKC beats Miami!

Slaussage had a Michael Jordan moment in last weeks Turnover’s game. With a bad case of the flu, he managed to hit the game winning shot to send the Turnover’s to victory. And then he cancelled out any chance of being our hero by going to see Van Halen on the weekend. He’s hard to read.

 

ENTRY #2092
6/8/12
THE SONG: Two, The Flowbots
THE PLACE: Brian and Misato
THE WORD: Baby Girls!

Congrats to Brian and Misato on the arrival of their new twins, Ryo and Hana. Lots of love and hugs to the four of you!

Slaussage decided to not go to his 15th High School reunion because he remembered “those people” are why he left. I like it when he tries to act like a snob to fit in.

Last night Rickk rescued a stray dog and he kept petting it’s head and saying, “It’s OK princess”. The whole time I was thinking, “I’ve never really seen him quite so fond of anyone”. Turns out the dogs name was “Princess”. It’s funnier if you know Rickk. Sorry.

I really need a farm. Hmmm….

ENTRY #2091
6/7/12
THE SONG: He’s Back, Alice Cooper
THE PLACE: Right here!
THE WORD: ELDY!!!!!!!!!

There’s so much singing and dancing going on this weekend. Well, a lot of dancing. No one ever really sings.

Gav explained an infield pop fly to me last night on the phone. He’s really riveting sometimes, I mean it.

Is Kopitar goth or just not getting enough sleep at night? Get some sun, dude. Bad look you’re running.

ENTRY #2090
6/6/12
THE SONG: No Need To Cry, Neko Case
THE PLACE: Staples
THE WORD: No need!

I’m not watching any of the Housewives series with Rickk anymore. Clearly you don’t get the housewives, loser.

R.I.P. Ray Bradbury. Fan since forever. Even though when I checked out Dandelion Wine my mom accused me of being on “marijuana”.

Nailed it, no splash, suck it!

ENTRY #2089
6/5/12
THE SONG: Perfection, Oh Land
THE PLACE: Staples
THE WORD: KINGS?

Do you think the same person that cast the Laker Girls chooses the Kings Ice Girls? Just wondering. They’re all so pretty.

I’m busy, check out The Randoms. That guy is hilarious.

 

ENTRY #2088
6/4/12
THE SONG: Fences, Phoenix
THE PLACE: my house
THE WORD: jump over

Not to make Craig feel bad or anything because it’s not his fault he forgot to give him a shout out at the sales meeting but a BIG HUGE THANK YOU to River Joe for helping Crail East get on it’s feet. River loves him some software interfacing! And Craig’s from Florida.

I like that service people like the locksmith or pool guy can give you a 48 hour window of when they’ll show up. OK, I’ll just stay in my house and watch Bravo and bake for two days straight. Wait, who was I trying to say was weird?

Mez, we’re all uncomfortable in our own skin, do you really need to add to it by playing your guitar with full eye contact like that?. Sorry EA, I’m sending him to sensitivity training.

 

ENTRY #2087
6/1/12
THE SONG: True Love, X
THE PLACE: my heart
THE WORD: that one dude

Mommies don’t let your babies grow up to be jocks. Don’t worry about them being cowboys, people like cowboys. I mean unless they form a really crappy contemporary western rock band. But jocks are such a f’ing headache. You really don’t want that.

Bird, did you know Tom’s branched out into other “styles”?. Using that word “style” very loosely.

While Rickk and Mikey are fucking around in the mountains, Spike and I are holding shit down!

 

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ENTRY #2106

6/29/12
THE SONG: Goodbye, Best Coast
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: deadline, bitches.

Wizard Ben, I tivo’d this for you. Let me know when you want to get a six pack and watch these assholes yuk it up with Oprah.

Mikey, this is unacceptable for the 4th. I mean the necklace, the swimsuit is fine. And I have potatoes if you want to put one in the swimsuit to look like this guy.

I don’t remember hearing this in history class at West Torrance High. Must not be true.

 

ENTRY #2105
6/28/12
THE SONG: Goodbye, Best Coast
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: Health Insurance

Do you think it smells like shitty music?

One of our soldiers is slightly injured. Feel better soon, K Cooper! And let us know if the hospital food is too amazing and you start to feel spoiled, we’ll bring you some of the crap from the outside!

If we move our offices to the Oregon coast, this is the meeting room. What’s in the red trunk, you ask? Oh, probably a bunch of shit Hersh wouldn’t throw away.

 

ENTRY #2104
6/27/12
THE SONG: Goodbye, Best Coast
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: later!

Dammit, the one time he plays for another country and he might miss it. Chris Brown and Drake continue to fuck up my summer.

Just posting this for Hersh, this is his favorite band.

I can’t believe all the nice things I have done for Rickk, Mike and Spike and I can’t get this goat. You guys are just horrible!

 

ENTRY #2103
6/25/12
THE SONG: So Tough, The Slits
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: forever and shit

Mikey, I know you fanned out on the Twilight dude but I want it to end there. I’m still recovering from Rickk telling me that Scotty J would read Harry Potter books on tour. Let’s be better then this.

My biggest nightmare with Chick. I have repeatedly told myself this was not possible. If a raccoon walks in carrying Chick, I am just going to hope that he also has magical trance powers and that Chick is in a deep meditative sleep.

One more of the dudes just left for China so I guess that means Spike is having a part in Pretty Sweet, too. Nice Jonze.

ENTRY #2102
6/22/12
THE SONG: So Tough, The Slits
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: always

“Artist skater type”….what’s that?

The subject matter on the weed message boards are amazing. How to sneak in to Canada? I thought it was just people trying to sneak out?

Wizard Ben, if I get you in the holiday pick this year, your bedroom is going to be your new basement. I know, so sick, right?

ENTRY #2101
6/21/12
THE SONG: You Are The Best Thing, Ray LaMontagne
THE PLACE: earth for these past two decades….
THE WORD: Mr. Howard.

That Pretty Sweet countdown is also perfect for shopping for my birthday. Just an FYI.

Doesn’t seem like “easy money” to me. I guess I’m just so spoiled at this job

These are the hottest places on earth. (Not as in “so hot right now” as in temperature). Nasa uses a satellite called the MODIS to measure the actual heat. I’ll keep you posted but we just might be moving the operation. I’m always cold, Libya anyone? Smyth? Jenkins?

 

ENTRY #2100
6/20/12
THE SONG: Top Ranking, Blonde Redhead
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD:  sure!

I wonder how difficult it’s going to be to get tickets?

Really, OKC? I have to see this guy get a ring? I mean, it was super cool last year in the playoffs watching him lip sync Eminem lyrics but a ring, too?

Oh my God.

 

ENTRY #2099
6/19/12
THE SONG: Summer, Alien Ant Farm
THE PLACE: this hemisphere
THE WORD:  it’s time….

Gav, let’s make a wager on this. It’s not like you ever pay so win or lose you’re solid.

I know he’s getting ready for something big, he’s been relaxing for literally, YEARS!

That came out really cool, Ben. Really cool.

 

ENTRY #2098
6/18/12
THE SONG: Walk On The Moon, Asobi Seksu
THE PLACE: the moon
THE WORD: already did

If you run one of the largest appliance and audio and visual stores in the country, you should get your delivery shit together. We just wanted a fridge delivered today and I received five calls, from Ohio to Riverside saying the driver had arrived early and could only wait fifteen minutes. You dudes should open your own 3PL. In Pedro. Seriously.

We got 151 and light beer the other night so Eldridge could make us these shots that are on fire before you drink them. Eldridge, seriously, that was three points off your score. No bueno, my brother. You need to redeem yourself.

Gav, I don’t want the car detail from the bet you still owe me. Get me this pig. I will throw the gnarliest tantrum if you don’t.

I mean, if you’re going to have two dudes fighting over you, might as well be these winners.

 

ENTRY #2097
6/15/12
THE SONG: Through Being Cool, Devo
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: a few dudes

Craig is really making a strong point of letting everyone know in the building that even though there are several people here from Florida, he’s true Florida. He’s rocking some sort of “I worked in a bong and poster shop and was promoted to manager” look. I guess I lost control of the place. Yesterday Hershel has on Daisy Dukes and now Craig.

Eldridge and I did a sort of blood brother/sister pact yesterday. It was just a text but so dramatic and it almost felt like time stopped. He’s never moving out of the South Bay Beach area. NEVER. Sorry Valley kids, we won the fun guy. Oh, and we’re also going to live life more because last weekend we agreed we’re going to die some day. #BRINGIT

A Taco Bell hoax? Who would do such an evil thing.

EA came in my office around 2PM and said, “See you later” and I go, “oh, you’re leaving early” and he goes, “I’m going to the Street League with Rickk”. I need to look at the employee chart, I don’t think Rickk out ranked me but maybe it needs to be adjusted.

ENTRY #2096
6/14/12
THE SONG: The Wrong Thing, The Congos
THE PLACE: oh, ya’ know
THE WORD: do it, bro

Hey DJ at the gym, can you cut the three hour remix of Tainted Love to maybe just 44 minutes? Oh wait, sorry, that’s your IPOD your “spinning” the tunes on, not mine. Dickhead.

If I was Robert Smith’s best friend and he showed up at my house to pick me up before a gig, I would very kindly say, “dude, you can’t run that look anymore, you look like a drag queen”. Then I would pour us both a glass of wine and say, “come on, let’s hear an acoustic version of Love Cats”. I’m just good with people….when I’m not micro-manging them.

I asked Hersh to switch these shorts to his “Saturday and Sunday” closet. Holy hot pants at the office. Hersh, Google “Business Casual”.

 

ENTRY #2095
6/13/12
THE SONG: You’re the Boss, The Brian Setzer Orchestra
THE PLACE: nearby
THE WORD: Seriously Spike, you are.

This has to be great for boxing! You need five completely new judges to see if you made the right call? Solid, you guys are on top of it.

Wahhhhh!

This column was so jocky today. Tune in tomorrow when we go full black Norwegian Death Metal. Those dudes are NOT jocks. Trust me.

 

 

ENTRY #2094
6/12/12
THE SONG: First Time, Styx
THE PLACE: LA
THE WORD:  Congrats Kings…and River and Rich! You waited a good while for that one….

 

ENTRY #2093
6/11/12
THE SONG: Things That Scare Me, Neko Case
THE PLACE: Hollywood
THE WORD:  the people

Wizard Ben, I just wanted to say that Eldridge was just going to send you the word “LATER” in the last twenty seconds of the Celtics/Heat game and it might have sort of been my idea to send the little emoji symbol of the guy with the tear. There was a lot of sports going on, hockey, basketball, a boxing match and The Step Brother’s were pumped on opening restaurants, swimming and pulled pork sandwiches. In all the commotion, I can’t remember if I was my idea but I have foggy visions that it was. Either way, let’s party when OKC beats Miami!

Slaussage had a Michael Jordan moment in last weeks Turnover’s game. With a bad case of the flu, he managed to hit the game winning shot to send the Turnover’s to victory. And then he cancelled out any chance of being our hero by going to see Van Halen on the weekend. He’s hard to read.

 

ENTRY #2092
6/8/12
THE SONG: Two, The Flowbots
THE PLACE: Brian and Misato
THE WORD: Baby Girls!

Congrats to Brian and Misato on the arrival of their new twins, Ryo and Hana. Lots of love and hugs to the four of you!

Slaussage decided to not go to his 15th High School reunion because he remembered “those people” are why he left. I like it when he tries to act like a snob to fit in.

Last night Rickk rescued a stray dog and he kept petting it’s head and saying, “It’s OK princess”. The whole time I was thinking, “I’ve never really seen him quite so fond of anyone”. Turns out the dogs name was “Princess”. It’s funnier if you know Rickk. Sorry.

I really need a farm. Hmmm….

ENTRY #2091
6/7/12
THE SONG: He’s Back, Alice Cooper
THE PLACE: Right here!
THE WORD: ELDY!!!!!!!!!

There’s so much singing and dancing going on this weekend. Well, a lot of dancing. No one ever really sings.

Gav explained an infield pop fly to me last night on the phone. He’s really riveting sometimes, I mean it.

Is Kopitar goth or just not getting enough sleep at night? Get some sun, dude. Bad look you’re running.

ENTRY #2090
6/6/12
THE SONG: No Need To Cry, Neko Case
THE PLACE: Staples
THE WORD: No need!

I’m not watching any of the Housewives series with Rickk anymore. Clearly you don’t get the housewives, loser.

R.I.P. Ray Bradbury. Fan since forever. Even though when I checked out Dandelion Wine my mom accused me of being on “marijuana”.

Nailed it, no splash, suck it!

ENTRY #2089
6/5/12
THE SONG: Perfection, Oh Land
THE PLACE: Staples
THE WORD: KINGS?

Do you think the same person that cast the Laker Girls chooses the Kings Ice Girls? Just wondering. They’re all so pretty.

I’m busy, check out The Randoms. That guy is hilarious.

 

ENTRY #2088
6/4/12
THE SONG: Fences, Phoenix
THE PLACE: my house
THE WORD: jump over

Not to make Craig feel bad or anything because it’s not his fault he forgot to give him a shout out at the sales meeting but a BIG HUGE THANK YOU to River Joe for helping Crail East get on it’s feet. River loves him some software interfacing! And Craig’s from Florida.

I like that service people like the locksmith or pool guy can give you a 48 hour window of when they’ll show up. OK, I’ll just stay in my house and watch Bravo and bake for two days straight. Wait, who was I trying to say was weird?

Mez, we’re all uncomfortable in our own skin, do you really need to add to it by playing your guitar with full eye contact like that?. Sorry EA, I’m sending him to sensitivity training.

 

ENTRY #2087
6/1/12
THE SONG: True Love, X
THE PLACE: my heart
THE WORD: that one dude

Mommies don’t let your babies grow up to be jocks. Don’t worry about them being cowboys, people like cowboys. I mean unless they form a really crappy contemporary western rock band. But jocks are such a f’ing headache. You really don’t want that.

Bird, did you know Tom’s branched out into other “styles”?. Using that word “style” very loosely.

While Rickk and Mikey are fucking around in the mountains, Spike and I are holding shit down!

 

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CLICK BELOW FOR THE 2002 NBA FINALS, CRAILTAP STYLE:
NOW WHO’S A BITCH?

NEW ARCHIVES HERE

ENTRY #2086

5/31/12
THE SONG: Thank You, Led Zeppelin
THE PLACE: my office
THE WORD: SLAUSSAGE…for the outdoors update….dork.

That’s right, Hersh, you better carry your bike because you’re a big huge baby.

 

ENTRY #2085
5/30/12
THE SONG: Tear Bucket, Little Hurricane
THE PLACE: not far
THE WORD: yep, it’s full

Rickk and Mike live just a few miles north of here. It sounds awesome.

Mike Mo, can you text me or contact me and let me know how you watched this movie three times in three days? That’s the sales pitch Rickk used to convince me to see it. Was it the dude that played Thor’s insane acting talent or the hilarious one liners from Captain America? We really need to talk.

 

ENTRY #2085
5/29/12
THE SONG: Where I’m Going, Cut Copy
THE PLACE: Not Yosemite
THE WORD: BUS RIDE

Take a look at this map. See the yellow tent that says Camp 1 near it? I’m never even going half way there. Just thought you might want to know. I like having all my toes and fingers so frost bite isn’t a real option for me. I’m not even impressed if you climb it so I’m a baby and brat.

Spike was trying to convey to me how big Shaq’s dick must be because of his shoe size. He did a photo comparison of Shaq’s shoe next to his shoe. (I’m not sure that is the best approach when making that point).

 

ENTRY #2084
5/25/12
THE SONG: Don’t Miss Out, The Uplifters
THE PLACE: LA
THE WORD: Nat’s show!

My friend Natalia is having a bitchin’ art show. Don’t be caught slippin’, check it out!

 

 

ENTRY #2083
5/24/12
THE SONG: You Should Be Dancing, The Bee Gees
THE PLACE: hmmm..here I guess
THE WORD: Two birthdays, one ice cream!

The Turnovers have a game tonight. Bird, you don’t want Malice in Burbank part two. If someone is putting their elbow in Mueller’s back, just breathe and let it play out. We need basketball championships of some sort in this place.

Just what Rickk loves most, his name on message boards.

Bird, she’s looking for sponsors. It seemed like a good fit when I started typing….sorry.

 

ENTRY #2082
5/23/12
THE SONG: You Should Be Dancing, The Bee Gees
THE PLACE: hmmm..here I guess
THE WORD: do it

So bandwagoning this win! And Canuck’s fans aren’t afraid to either….right Meg Bird, Kelly Bird and Rickk Howard?

Remember when common sense was not a super power? That was a long time ago!

Don’t worry about it, Rickk. I will train him to only love me. You know, like I did with Mikey.

ENTRY #2081
5/22/12
THE SONG: All About You, Tupac
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: FOH!

Have fun in the new city you play in and thanks for making me feel like if I ever needed to sub in for the Turnovers, I could play at least look tougher and more toned then you.

Slaussage, I know you’re big on “eye contact” and you’ve really made some power moves with it but utilize your deep voice in this situation should we run into a bear in Yosemite. And don’t wear cargo shorts, so creepy.

 

ENTRY #2080
5/16/12
THE SONG: Last Dance, Donna Summer
THE PLACE: universe
THE WORD: R.I.P.

 

ENTRY #2079
5/16/12
THE SONG: Torch, Pinback
THE PLACE: Crail East
THE WORD: Carry it!

Seriously, improve your argument. Kook.

Is this real? Doesn’t it look like the water is two horses?

Wizard Ben, I just want to let you know that you may be relinquishing the title of “Wizard” to Scott. Rickk told me that before Scott moved from beloved pro Chocolate skater to radical Lakai footwear designer, he would read Harry Potter books on tour. I’m still doing some investigation (and also need to get his wife a little drunk and see if he’s into the Hunger Games) but as it stands, your playing D and D in a friends garage in hiding can not hold a candle to this guy in a full van reading about casting spells and conquering immortals. Stay tuned.

 

ENTRY #2078
5/15/12
THE SONG: Controller, Blouse
THE PLACE: who cares
THE WORD: controller

In the 4th quarter when we cut our deficit to 18, I totally felt like we had it. Dammit.

Bird is wearing sort of a streetwear/urban vibe today. I just feel like I am hyper aware of his wardrobe lately.

Speaking of wardrobes, remember right before Rickk got on Fourstar and he rode for Tommy Bahama? That was sick.

 

ENTRY #2077
5/14/12
THE SONG: Zero, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
THE PLACE: Denver
THE WORD: Games left in your season!

Bird has all pastel’s on today. He’s so “resort” when it’s that weird season between spring and summer. I love it.

That would suck to try to fit into a gang that the sun is already a part of when you’re one of three icy objects. I would just not be a planet so you don’t seem so sucky.

This must have been for a photo shoot because he never would run this fast on the court.

Gav, look how small your head was? It grew like 12% a year since this photo was shot!

 

ENTRY #2076
5/11/12
THE SONG: Take it LIke A Man, Dragonette
THE PLACE: this universe
THE WORD: WAAAAAA!

Despite a Turnover victory, the team got a little heated during last nights contest. Mueller pushed a guy, Bird got ejected and Rickk did some time on the bench for two quick fouls. I like this. If Rickk and Bird can rub some of their incredibly poor sportsmanship and short tempers off on Mueller, we just may be on the road to another trophy. Go Turnovers!!

Eldrddige, he is officially “YOUR BOY”. The guy has about as much fire in him as that other dude….um…oh yeah, Pau!

Jonze, seriously. So ahead of the plaid curve, dude.

 

ENTRY #2075
5/10/12
THE SONG: Tired, Adele
THE PLACE: right here
THE WORD: yep

Dog on the top of the car for almost a full day, cutting the hair of class mates because they’re gay, he’s just a funny lovable ASSHOLE.

Ouch my knee hurts…ouch my hip hurts. WAAAAAAAAA!

Want more MIKE CARROLL? Follow furrycalamari on Instagram…..He’s PRETTY SWEET.

 

ENTRY #2074
5/9/12
THE SONG: Thousand Miles from Nowhere, Dwight Yoakam
THE PLACE: whatever
THE WORD: forever.

Whip your hair back and forth.

Focus, focus, now blow it. Nice.

ENTRY #2073
5/8/12
THE SONG: Rumpus, Karen O and The Kids
THE PLACE: heaven and earth
THE WORD: Wild Thing!

You were the best at what you did. That’s a life. R.I.P. Maurice.

It’s cool when your parents love a TV show so much, they have no judgement for their kids. That’s good stuff.

Go America! YAY!

 

ENTRY #2072
5/7/12
THE SONG: In Control, The Controllers
THE PLACE: Control Panel
THE WORD: Control

Mason and Tim Gavin beat Rickk and Deets Evans at a little game of two on two at Frosty’s. That Turnover jinx is truly going nowhere.

If I was undefeated at anything, there’s just a few people I would keep out of my posse. Just a few.

 

ENTRY #2071
5/4/12
THE SONG: Smoke and Mirrors, Gotye
THE PLACE: near the harbor
THE WORD: always

We’re in the process of opening Crailtap East. When I say “we”, I mean a bunch of dudes that aren’t afraid to chip their gel nails.

Here’s a Turnover’s update: There is no championship anywhere in site. A combination of not practicing, no chemistry, and not showing up for games is making them the Bobcats of Glendale. You guys had a good
run. Here’s a reminder of what you look like when you’re winning. Slaussage, I think considering the streak you’re on, don’t use the phrase “full court press” in meetings. Thanks, bud.

R.I.P. Sad day, too young.

ENTRY #2070
5/2/12
THE SONG: Smoke and Mirrors, Gotye
THE PLACE: near the harbor
THE WORD: I said, smoke and mirrors

Criagers, now known as Snippy is BANNED. FULL BAN.

I forgot to give a Turnover’s update last week. They lost. They play again this Thursday. Come on guys, Chemistry, movement, be aware of your team mates…just kidding. Just stick to your current plan, it’s what you seem comfortable with.

Carnahan will NOT be kite boarding any time soon. He feels like he has enough problems just trying to surf and as he put it, “I don’t know anything about the wind”. No one really does, Jeremy. No one.

I know you can’t bring your “A game” but what about your “D- game” for shipping our freight? No? Ok, well, your pie chart looked like you might bring at least your “C game” 40% of the time.

R.I.P. Junior

 

ENTRY #2069
5/1/12
THE SONG: Don’t Rush, Tegan and Sara
THE PLACE: nearby
THE WORD: ”we’ve known each other for a year…”

Craigers is going to the Laker game tonight and said he’s bringing his “girlfriend”. That could easily be code for Slaussage. Don’t curse the seats, Craig. You will be bummed at the color scheme of your office if you do that.

Landed it for sure.

 

 

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CLICK BELOW FOR THE 2002 NBA FINALS, CRAILTAP STYLE:
NOW WHO’S A BITCH?

NEW ARCHIVES HERE